Handy Guide to: Nottingham Forest FC

As I wandered the lonely supernets highway trying to find images of Princess Kate’s torso that don’t look like they were taken on a Nokia, underwater, at night, from a long way away, I was amazed to discover we’re due to play some club called “Nottingham Forest FC" in an uncompetitive nPower Championship fixture on Sunday... despite being a connoisseur of domestic football, I’d never heard of this footballing minnow and so, as usual, have scoured tinterweb to gather facts for a handy “Print Out And Keep" guide so that you may amaze your friends down the pub with your in-depth knowledge of our opponents.

Here we are then:

Notts Forest are now owned by Al-Hasawi family from Kuwait. They’re quite rich and are spending money on lots of players; I don’t see how that stategy could possibly fail, hey, Doughty family..?

Since the global search for an iconic manager was greeted with hilarity by the footballing world, eventually Forest had to beg their former assistant manager to return to the club, just so they’d have somebody sitting in the dugout. A sad state of affairs for a club that was halfway decent back in the Seventies.

Not content with basing the whole of the city’s “heritage" on Doncaster’s Robin Hood, Forest have now recruited many ex-Donny Rovers for their current squad. Doncaster > Nottingham.

Derby reject Lee Camp, born in the city, is the present first-choice keeper for Forest and Norn Iron, although lately he’s had to withdraw from the international squad because he felt, like, a bit tired and that.

In the last century, Forest won the European Cup twice, in ’79 and ‘80. This is a well-guarded secret amongst the Forest 606 contingent, but my research is irrefutable. They beat nobody you would have heard of though.

Both of Forest’s regular home fans sing “Mull of Kintyre" before each half of any match. It’s thought this is due to Bodyform’s panty liners having ‘wings’ because, as we know, all Forest fans are bloody c nts.

Derby County fan Brian Clough is Forest’s most successful manager despite him not considering Nottingham as a footballing city. “It’s just a job" Brian used to say, scrubbing himself raw in the shower whilst sobbing.

Having had so many players walk away from the club in the summer to save their careers, Forest have had to beg, borrow and mend to cobble a squad together; this includes loanees from bigger clubs such as Chelsea, Norwich, Southampton and Doncaster Rovers.

Forest’s manager this week is Sean O’Driscoll. *Correct at time of publishing.

The only player capable of correctly predicting the path of Forest’s hoofball approach to the game is new striker and renowned physicist and howler-at-the-moon Professor Brian Cox, whose encyclopaedic knowledge of the parabolic behaviours of the modern ball give him a distinct advantage when it’s smacked up into the air from 80 yards away.

The list of failed Rams at the City Ground is almost as long as the list of Donny Rovers rejects, and includes Marcus Tudgay, Lee Camp, Dex Blackstock and Ayala.

Despite undergoing a period of rebuilding ourselves, Derby have won all fixtures against Forest both home and away, for as long as can reasonably be recalled with precision, and therefore are holders of the Brian Clough Trophy.

Nathan Tyson, summer signing and former Forest hero, has actually spent more minutes on a pitch carrying a corner flag than his has in a Rams shirt.

Showcasing Nottingham’s glittering ‘sporting heritage’ and in an attempt to justify their laughable attendances excuses about “having other things to do" with their time, Nottingham have decided to move the match to the same day as their annual fun run and have had the fixture screened on tv, so as to have excuses for their usual failure to sell out their own ground. Embarrassing.

This is all the information tinternet has on Saturday’s opponents.. there’s not much I admit, but the worldwideweb doesn’t get into Nottinghamshire much.