A friday joke page?

how about some humour to get us to the weekend?

I'll "try" and you guys hopefully can make it actually funny eh?

Jock is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one day when a genie appears and grants him a wish. after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this dog to win the greyhound derby'.
The genie says 'a three legged dog winning the Derby, c'mon be realistic man'. ok says Jock, how about Scotland qualifying for the next world cup? to which the genie replies ' what was the one about the dog again?


A man discusses the options for a heart transplant with his surgeon. "Well Mr. Jones", the surgeon says, "We have two hearts available for you: a human heart and that of a pig. However, I must say that the human heart belonged to a Utd fan, and therefore, a few side-effects can occur after the surgery."
The man discusses with his wife which heart he will choose and makes a decision.
About a month later, his wife calls the surgeon: "Sir, there's a problem: my husband started making grunting noises and is now rolling around in his own **** since the last two weeks".
"Well", the surgeon answers, "I did warn you about those side-effects".



ob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really p!ssed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."