Breaking News: Jim White

London Fire Brigade were called out today after smoke was seen billowing from Jim White’s suit.

A spokesman for London Fire Brigade said “We were aware that Jim White was scheduled to combust at 11pm tonight, but things became heated early in the day, and some preventive measures were taken."
He was later seen standing in a pool of water, wringing his undercrackers into a sink, but a source close to Jim White tells us that all is now calm, and that Jim has reverted to a viable temperature.

A spokesman for SSN said: “This has happened before on deadline day. We were just setting up the camera angles for Harry Redknapp’s car door, and Jim was studying the angles carefully, when Natalie Sawyer saw a plume of smoke emanating from the groin area of Jim’s trousers. Within seconds, she could no longer see Jim at all, he was just a column of smoke."

“Initially, we thought a fault might have developed in the fax machine we bought from Manchester United, and then we thought it might be Liverpool fans burning Philippe Coutinho’s shirt, but it soon became apparent that Jim’s suit had spontaneously combusted.

Fortunately, Saido Berahino and Peter Odemwingie . who had been hanging around the Transfer studio all morning for no apparent reason, happened to be standing next to a fire bucket, which they threw over Jim’s head before the fire brigade arrived."

“We take every precaution we can, but when the time comes that Jim has to generate some heat from a series of men standing in empty fields outside the nation’s training grounds with no transfer news to report, the animation required can cause friction within the suit. “
Jim coped with it well, and we salute his commitment and professionalism in the line of duty"

Daniel Levy later put in a bid for the fire-bucket, arguing for a knock-down price for used goods, and Arsene Wenger offered to donate all of Arsenal’s best fire-fighting equipment, arguing that he can develop some home-grown fire equipment to replace it. Roman Abramovich sacked his fire-safety officer, just in case, and bought a fleet of fire engines to stand outside Stamford Bridge.

Jeremy Corbyn commented that it is “imperative that we set up a cross-party parliamenatary enquiry, fully accountable to the rank-and-file, and that we fully investigate whether regulations were properly followed by the Establishment in the testing of Jim White’s suit"

Theresa May was unavailable for comment, but No 10 issued a Press release saying "we do not wish to be tied down by fire regulations, but would like to retain access to them. Who’s Jim White?"