I came across this interview in a paper between a well respected journalist, Jan, and a foreign football coach managing in England, Plod Cluell. I thought it would be of interest so here it is in full (apologies for the length).
JAN the journalist: Good morning Plod.
PLOD Cluell: Good morning Jan.
JAN: How are you finding your time managing in England?
PLOD: I am enjoying it very much, as you know I took over a club having trouble part way through this season and have managed to move us well away from the relegation to safety.
JAN: Yes that was a good start. How do you see the rest of the season going and what are your plans for the future?
PLOD: I think the season is finishing very well, the team is now playing in the style I want and wish to develop and take forward next year for our project.
JAN: Project? Can you tell us some more about this project?
PLOD: Certainly. We were looking for a project for this club. As you know the club has had a great success recently, winning the League. It is of course impossible to repeat that success so we came up with a different project for our place in history.
JAN: Interesting. What did you come up with?
PLOD: Well as you know the League title success was done with the lowest possession since records began?
JAN: Yes.
PLOD: We want to achieve relegation with the highest possession since records began.
JAN: Good Grief! That is an ambitious target Plod, how are you getting on?
PLOD: Very well indeed Jan. Initially there was some problem as the team kept on winning but with hard work we have mostly managed to turn this around and get more possession than the other team. To do that we pass the ball around a lot between the back line and goalkeeper; staying in our own half of course means we do not do shoot on goal so do not score or win points. It also gives the other team plenty of time to get a good defence in case we get over the half way line. There have been problems of course with the new approach, we have managed to keep the ball away from our striker but he still has an irritating habit of somehow scoring so it is a problem we have been trying to fix for next year; we have made good progress so far, he is looking annoyed so may leave in the summer which would be great for our project. Our aim is to have not more than one shot on goal per match which will give us the best chance of relegation next year.
JAN: Are you sure you're going in the right direction?
PLOD: Of course Jan. Take the last away match for example, I experimented with playing a player out of position against the other team's best attacker and it worked wonderfully well. We didn't score, had only one shot on target, ended up with only 10 men on the pitch, they scored 5 goals but still we won the possession! The weekend’s home game too, we had just two shots on target, didn't score and lost the game convincingly but still won the possession!
JAN: Wow impressive! What about the fans - they are really important too?
PLOD: Yes of course. To be honest it was one thing I was really worried about as they have been fantastically noisy and supportive of the team in the past but they have really come on board with the project, being quiet for large parts of the game and I was so pleased at the weekend that they even booed the team not only at the end of each half but also during the match. The chants of 'you don't know what you're doing' were a special bonus.
JAN: Very good. But didn’t you win your latest match in midweek, wasn’t that a bit of a setback?
PLOD: Well yes Jan, we did lose the possession and the players showed good application I’ll admit, so there is still a lot to do to continue our development – after all as the saying goes ‘Rome wasn’t demolished in a day’. The fans were still good though – they cheered the manager of the other team at the end of the game.
JAN: What about the owners?
PLOD: They are fully behind our project, so much so that the Chairman took time to write an article for the weekend’s matchday magazine in support of me.
JAN: It really looks as if you may have some success with your project Plod.
PLOD: Yes we have high hopes to even get less points that Shire Direby did in their outstanding relegation year. It would be very difficult to be as bad as that though but I'm hopeful.
JAN: Indeed. Thank you for your time with the interview Plod.
PLOD: Thank you Jan.
(Disclaimer: note this is entirely a work of fiction intended for the general entertainment of any readers who have bothered to get this far. Any resemblance to any football club or its supporting characters is completely unintended and entirely coincidental).
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Interview with a manager
comment by old warwick fox (U11640)
posted on 13/5/18
Excellent Nuneaton! Most enjoyable parody. Many a true word spoken in jest - hopefully not this time though. 5 stars from me (if I knew how to do it)!
comment by The_Dungeon_Master (U4830)
posted on 13/5/18
What I like about this man the most is that his targets are achievable. None of this "keep dreaming" nonsense. This is a practical and doable goal.
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