Club investigates clown shoes

According to various media sources, the club have begun a formal investigation into allegations that some players have recently had their shoes stolen, replaced or switched with the intent to sabotage performances and affect results in games.

Both supporters and pundits have become increasingly aware that the performances of some of the club’s players, such as South Korean forward Heung Min Son, have become somewhat inconsistent with some fans blaming the forward’s choice of footwear for his recent poor form. Officials in South Korea have now confirmed that the player had arrived on international duty last summer with the wrong football boots, alleging that they had been switched deliberately in the UK well before arrival. Son was provided with replacements by his national side and went on to secure victory for South Korea in the Asian Games. Accusations that the Korean-manufactured boots that Son has been wearing since the summer have severely impeded his Premier League form have been strenuously denied by his national coach, who insists the new footwear is made by the best boot specialist in the country. “Our supplier makes shoes for players of all nationalities and backgrounds from across the world. Their clients include national athletes, and high profile entertainers including acrobats, animal trainers and clowns from the Korean National Circus. They are the highest quality boots". The spokesman for the South Korean national team refused to comment further, insisting that “the club must be allowed to conduct their investigation without more unnecessary speculation".

Son isn’t the only Spurs player to have faced criticism over inconsistent performances. The English trio of Kane, Dier and Trippier haven’t played to the standards of the last three seasons or their World Cup performances last summer. While club officials have denied that their footwear was stolen or switched in Russia, sources close to the national team claim that one pair of Kane’s boots have recently been seen on display in the Kremlin following the World Cup tournament in June. The unverified reports have also fuelled rumours that Kane, three times golden boot winner, will now only wear the boots that were gifted to him by his wife after the birth of their daughter. Unverified photos circulating on social media appear to show Katie Goodland at a branch of Sports Direct purchasing a pair of £16.99 Umbro Velocita boots that some insiders claim have since been meticulously customised to look exactly like his official footwear. Officials at Tottenham Hotspur have strongly denied these rumours stating that Kane only wears boots officially endorsed by the club.

With Eric Dier’s boots mysteriously appearing on the auction website Ebay in July and Trippier’s boots found by police at a crack den in a council estate in Enfield only weeks later, speculation that employees of the club are not only attempting to sabotage the performances of the team but also profit from the sale of players’ boots is looking increasingly likely.

In August fullback Ben Davis posted a picture of his new boots on his MySpace page, claiming he was forced to purchase them following the theft of his kit after an official photoshoot at the club. The new boots, costing around £4000 a pair and made from a combination of genetically engineered Welsh mountain sheep dung and synthesised merino wool, have been blamed for his poor performances with many supporters desperate to see the return of Danny Rose from injury. Rose, Jan Vertonghen and Dele Alli have all suffered significant injuries recently that some insiders claim have been sustained by a change of footwear.

Furthermore, anonymous sources recently revealed that both Mousa Sissoko and Harry Winks have also been forced to change their footwear at the start of the season, although the exact reasons for this remain undisclosed. While the club refuse to deny that their boots have also been stolen, the two midfielders’ vastly improved performances in recent weeks strongly suggests that they have also been adversely affected by a change of footwear.

A club statement released last week read “We can neither deny or confirm these reports but we are aware that some supporters are making very offensive allegations on social media and internet forums about the players’ nationalities and their performances on the pitch. We strongly refute these claims and we will not comment on the footwear of our players while an internal investigation is active."

Of course, none of this is actually true. I’m just bored sh!tless during yet another pointless international break with tongue firmly in cheek.