Edvent calendar 13 December

OP: "Ed, as an experienced financier you must have a few tactics to ensure the best use of the precious funds generated by Manchester United and the fans."

Ed: "Wait! Before we even start, there's something I need to state - loudly"

Ed suddenly suddenly raises his left arm with a slight bend at the elbow, points to the Stretford End and with what can only be described as a crazy eyes stare, shouts:

"WE CAN DO THINGS IN THE TRANSFER MARKET OTHER CLUBS CAN ONLY DREAM OF...WATCH THIS SPACE...."

He turns to me (for a second there I could swear his eyes were glowing bright red) and says "I call that the ED DAB!!!"

OP: "Right. But is it a good idea to shout that in the world of football where there's a few characters who have made a living out of taking advantage of people with big egos and big wallets?"

Ed: "Well I wouldn't expect you mere mortals to understand but let me explain how I cracked it. Using a series of sophisticated financial tools I able to work out that the more you pay for the player the better the player will be."

"Take Pogba, for instance. We probably could have got him for a lot less than £89m but if he's this rubbish for £89m imagine how much worse he would have been if we'd paid less. Oh, if only I could go back and double the price - he'd only be half as c-r*-'p."

"Then take the Fellaini saga. If ever a player merited a transfer saga then Fellaini is that player"

Ed straightens his tie in the mirror and continues.

"Look what I was up against. The guy was at a second rate club, he had a clause in his contract written in big bold CAPS LOCK saying he could leave for £23.5M and the player himself was desperate to force a move.However, I played a blinder. With the look of a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car and an Oscar worthy performance of a middle aged man on the verge of a nervous breakdown I was able to drive that price up to £27.5 MILLION. I honestly believe that this will be regarded as my greatest achievement; the moment I stepped out of the shadow of Gill. By the way, hasn't he got big shoes that guy. ."

OP: "Well I suppose that if Fellaini is your greatest achievement then Alexis will go down as your nadir?"

Ed: "Are you kidding?? Here was another challenge. Only 6 months left on his contract, aged 29 and performances dipping drastically from the previous year. How on earth where we ever going to break the bank on this one??? Well, me and the whizzkids back at the office found a way. We always do. £180 MILLION carefully constructed of £27m wages before tax, £30m transfer swap valuation, £20m signing-on fee, & an agent fee worth more than £10m. I even managed to stretch the contract to 4 and four and a half years. Genius!"

OP: "Yeah I heard it was too rich even for City"

Ed: "City hah! They just couldn't compete - and there's another lesson for you - football is all about winning off the pitch. In fact, the next evening I saw Messrs Wenger and Guardiola in my local Mayfair restaurant drowning their sorrows over several bottles of champagne. They tried to put a brave face on it by laughing raucously and patting each other on the back but they couldn't fool me - I can read body language.

OP: "So what exactly motivates you Ed?"

Ed: "Have you seen my Wolf of Wall Street memes. The boys back at JP Morgan are so jealous. (phone rings) I've got to take this. It my best mate:
'Hi Jorge...oh sure, sorry, hi Mr Mendes. What's that? You just heard my comment about watch this space. Great. what's that you say? You've got a cracker for me?!?! A world transfer record!! How much?!? That's a lot!! he must be good! Oh you mean that's just your fee. Of course. I knew that. And how much for the player? Oh hold on a second Jorge, I've got another call coming in from an agent, oh and another, oh and now one from a player, oh and another, and another, and...'

Ed opens a bottle of vintage wine none of that Casillero el Diablo nonsense for Ed

What's the point in saying anything when only the same caaants on our board keep repleating and bleating the same trash all day long.

If anyone with any other opinion challenges or expresses something different, the usual leeches crawl all over it and end any debate.

This board was finished a long time ago which is why you dont get many new or different contributors.

I speak for the silent majority and commend this statement to this board

Excellent article op. Fascinating insight into how ed thinks. Thanks for these interviews..

Did Shinless Tony previously go by the name of Shinj?

Comment Deleted by Site Moderator

comment by Syntax Error (U20644)
posted 4 hours, 27 minutes ago
What's the point in saying anything when only the same caaants on our board keep repleating and bleating the same trash all day long.

If anyone with any other opinion challenges or expresses something different, the usual leeches crawl all over it and end any debate.

This board was finished a long time ago which is why you dont get many new or different contributors.

I speak for the silent majority and commend this statement to this board
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Needs thumbs down button for this.

Comedy writers can't make up what is happening to this club, they really can't.

comment by Busby (U19985)
posted 1 day, 1 hour ago
Did Shinless Tony previously go by the name of Shinj?
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He isn't Shinji that you're thinking of Busby, no.

Doesn't hold a candle to our Shaun.