The Secret Diary of Phal Girtside

Hmmmph. Well the weekend did not go at all well here. Firstly I didn't get to the northern lawn mower championship finals due to a starter motor problem on my classic turf eater 3000 built from scratch and lovingly restored. Oh and we lost in the match as well so I call Owen in for another weekly punishment. I'm fast running out of sadistic torture techniques for poor old Owen so I have to tell him straight - shape up or it's sacking time. This whilst the red hot poker is doing it's thing.

Things must be in a bad way as I get the call that Eddie Davies is on his way over. Will be a quick meeting though as if he's in the building for more than 2 hours he has to pay tax. I quickly change into my Meeting get up of top hat, tails, white frilly shirt and a monacle that Eddie oddly insists we all wear and I buzz Doris to give her early warning to Stew the tea extra strong as Eddie always says. "Thas can't have a meeting on weak tea. Weak tea, weak mind Phil." Given the quite short notice I've given her I suggests she treacles the tea up a bit. I also remind her to get the Parkin in as the last time Eddie didn't get his Parkin he ended up sacking the chief exec. We had to lie that he'd just come to his natural finish with the club.

After being bellowed at for 1 hour and 54 minutes. 5 minutes about football and how to get out of the mess we're in, the rest about the state of kids nowadays. I leave the meeting and get changed into my fancy dress outfit as I've got a Northern Football Chairman's lunch. Whealo said it was fancy dress so I'm going as a Pirate.

How humiliating. Turns out Whealo was having me on. I turned up shouting Aaaaaarrr me harties only to see everyone to a man wearing nice sharp suits staring at me as if I was mad. I grab a handfull of pies, as I'm not missing out on the food there, and run off. Once I'm back in the office I ring Big Sam to try and forget the whole nasty business. Sadly he is busy re-building his Arsene Wenger voodoo doll. I know he wants the likeness perfect so I leave it as it takes time to "get the face right like."

It seems that there's a rumour that Mick McCarthy was in my office earlier and I was sounding him out about the big job. I can deny this. What the person saw was me watching sesame street on my HD super dooper TV and they saw Bert on the screen. I suddenly have an idea. I ring my PA. "Get me the number for the cookie monster. I have a proposition for him!"

Cracking. CM say's he'll do it. I call Owen up to the office. Goodness I hate doing this. Like drowning puppies.