Come dine with me.

This tv show has now reached us in Oz. I have recently watched an episode that was set in Sandwell, and very entertaining it was. They generally have a theme and dress code for the evening. One of the guys turned up with his date, but the producers of the show intervened and sent his sister home... The theme was to dress as your fantasy, so one guy dressed as if he had an actual job, whilst the young lady wore a jumper displaying the words Div 1/ Premier league champions.

The host usually greets their guests with a drink, but imagine her embarrassment when there wasn't enough meths to go round. Luckily one of her guests diffused the situation by announcing that it was giro day, and he had been drinking since 9.30 am. He said that he could wait for the glass of mouthwash with his meal. ( crisis averted)

They had to forego the part of the evening where the guests have a look around the house as the illegal immigrants living upstairs weren't prepared to appear on the show.

Now down to the most important part of the show, the food. What delights are we about to witness I wondered. The starter was something called bread and dripping. I must admit I'd never heard of it and wondered what it was. Well the host explained it for the watching audience, apparently you take a slice of bread and clean your frying pan with it. Silly me, I had heard of it but I knew it by another name. I call that kitchen roll.

Now with my mouth watering I couldn't wait for the main course, but alas the host announced there would be a 3 minute delay as she had only just boiled the kettle for something called pot noodle. Well I may not have heard of it but her guests had and they could barely contain themselves. lucky them I thought.

Generally at this point of the evening the host puts on some entertainment, what could it be my wife and I wondered. I hoped for some dancing or the bagpipes maybe. I know my wife had her heart set on mongolian throat singers or possibly a little opera. I know she's especially partial to a bit of Verdi's Rigoletto. Never in our wildest dreams would we have thought of colouring in at the table.

How on earth is she going to finish this meal fit for the God's, this manna from Heaven I thought. Maybe she will try a twice cooked souffle, or a Tiramasu, Creme Brulee or maybe a deconstructed rhubarb crumble. Well she walked in with.... sugar sandwiches, feckin inspired I thought. What a way to cleanse the palate at the end of a meal, sheer genius.

Now to the most exciting part of the competition, the scoring. Would her guests remember the meths faux pas and mark her accordingly. Would they mark her down for having an outside toilet, no carpets or windows. I must admit I felt nervous for the poor girl and hoped they would not hold this against her. Well one by one her guests stated that the scores should be awarded on merit for the cooking and entertainment alone. Furthermore they were all prepared to ignore the dog fighting ring operating in the kitchen. One by one they turned their score cards to reveal 3 perfect 10 scores. With the tears running down my cheeks and my wife screaming I could just about hear the guests proclaim it was the best meal they'd ever eaten. This was tv at its absolute finest and well worth the licence fee.