Weekly Round-Up

Interesting week for God’s chosen people. New defensive signings Warnock and Albentosa have proved shrewd investments with two clean sheets resulting from their arrival at the club. Our other recent arrival, Darren Bent, has been less impressive, merely having scored three goals this week from a combined distance of one and a half inches. Any of us could have nudged it in from there with our nobs, well maybe not Cat, NSR and Tilly, but we expect more than this from a man reputedly being paid several hundred pounds a week. Pull up your socks, Daz, if that is indeed your real name – it seems strange that his parents should name him after a product that claims to be “whiter than white". According to Benedict Cumberbatch, “Persil Bent" would have been more appropriate, Persil traditionally boasting that it is “best for coloureds".

Moving away from the club are Paul Coutts: “Couttsy" to us. He has certainly done well enough to earn a faint ripple of barely audible applause if he ever returns. Along with him goes Freeman: “Freemany" to us, perhaps the most “meh" signing in our history. Only one person will applaud him, and that’s the guy who doesn’t really understand what’s going on, bless him. Tom “who?" Naylor also heads out to the astonishment of all Derby fans who thought he had left years ago. Cheers for the memories, Tom.

Incomings? Incomings? Hoilett, Phillips, Ince have all been linked and debate has raged furiously on the relative merits of these players compared to our own home-grown stars. Could one of them be the final piece of the jigsaw or the bad apple that destroys the jigsaw? Possibly time will tell, or not. Mason Bennett’s late cameo on Tuesday caused some to believe he could make a late charge into the team. Will his status as the World’s Thickest Footballer be held against him? Does Schteve prefer intellectuals in the wide positions?

On the injury front our talismanic bearded Scot pulled up lame against Chesterfield. The humane killer was not employed and he wandered away crying into his beard, leading many to bemoan the fact that he played while injured, these people conveniently forgetting that he had trained without problem on the Thursday and Friday. We live in a society that believes that any adverse event must have been able to have been foreseen and that therefore someone is to blame for its occurrence. Retrospective vision is always twenty-twenty. We wish Johnny the speediest of recoveries.

On the subject of numbers, the world’s largest omelette apparently contained 145,000 eggs. Coincidentally this is the same amount of egg which adorned the face of one of our most respected posters when he miscalculated a straightforward sum this week during an uncharacteristically patronising comment. A “schoolboy error" some called it, until the National Association of Schoolboys sued for defamation of character. Mason Bennett said he could of done the sum in question in his sleep, in fact has done so many times, never having got it wrong.

That’s the pick of this week’s news for Rams Fans, unless of course I've forgotten anything more interesting.