Weekly Round-Up

Another turbulent week of mixed emotions for Rams fans began with a predictable buzz of anticipation as fellow play-off contenders Brentford visited the Ipro and gave a typically busy performance, each individual working industriously for the greater good. Ironically it has been Derby who have latterly shown signs of the footballing equivalent of Colony Collapse Disorder and they hurtled around aimlessly, bouncing like brainless bluebottles against a window as Brentford took control. Honey bees deal with intruders to their hive by "balling" them, jostling around their victim until the temperature rises and it suffocates, and The Rams must have felt similarly as they were smothered as effectively as a group of innocent and sane anti-globalists being kettled by the agents of the state. There was however a happy sting in the tail as The Dazzler stuck one in at the sharp end of the game to give The Rams a point.

Interesting debate was generated about the correct way for fans to register disapproval with the team's performance on such occasions. A chorus of boos greeted the end of the Brentford match causing a surprised Kelle Roos to applaud the originators of the noise in the assumption that it was a tribute to his admittedly flawless display as substitute keeper. Most of the disappointed crowd contented themselves with the traditional shaking of the head and muttering while the happy-clappers in the crowd compromised by giving only fifty percent of their usual acclaim and leaving Steve McClaren to meditate on myriad interpretations of the meaning of the sound of one hand clapping.

The display left many supporters feeling in need of something even stronger than their usual bottle of Ipro and how they must have envied Raheem Sterling's ready access to legal highs, the use of which apparently deadens some of the pain of his poverty. Photos of him partaking of shisha pipes and nitrous oxide littered the sports pages, but the use of the latter in footballing circles is nothing new: CCTV footage from the City Ground at Nottingham shows clear evidence that vast quantities of laughing gas have been pumped into the visiting supporters' enclosure for many years.

Tuesday night saw McClaren shuffle his defensive pack, or rather throw all available names in the air and choose the four landing closest. The lucky foursome settled back in their deckchairs as Derby beat Only Blackpool comfortably. To keep out the team who recently required no more than eight fit players to humble the mighty Notts Forest was a feat to be proud of, and surely indicates that any lingering concerns about Derby's defensive qualities have been well and truly laid to rest.

Election fever continues unabated as the population waits excitedly to find out who it will be forced to vote for by the Bilderberg group, an organisation of elite intellectuals who meet regularly to set the world to rights. Conspiracy theorists might note how such a description might equally apply to the contributors to Viewfrom's regular match thread. Coincidence? Maybe the gullible might think so. Remaining on the subject of free and fair elections, Sepp Blatter appears destined to win a well-deserved new term as FIFA president. In a masterpiece of understatement the Dominican Republic FA president likened Blatter to Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King. These people, perhaps like Sepp, may not be generally renowned for having a great deal of footballing expertise but this reputation is not entirely justified: those who paid close attention to a recent Weekly Review will recall that Jesus was quite handy with crosses while Lincoln and MLK were apparently decent shot-stoppers in their day. Mandela of course owes his football knowledge to his wife whose football team was legendarily adept at snuffing out the opposition as required.

Finally an astonishing development to thrill us all: Conor Sammon, hailed by many experts as the finest goalscorer of his type since Derek Hales, has returned to Derby. ja606ers showed evidence that their recent instruction in Biblical matters has proved beneficial: comparing the miraculous re-appearance of The Fish to the return of Lazarus from the dead the universal response of Rams fans was to quote in its entirety the appropriate verse from the Good Book: John, Chapter 11, Verse 35.

"Jesus wept"