Weekly Round-Up

The use of illicit drugs has been much in the sporting news in recent weeks but there was little evidence of performance enhancement amongst the home team during the visit of Leeds last weekend. Most fans felt in need of some serious medicinal relief by the time the final whistle sounded. One fan's confession for a predilection for magic mushrooms perhaps went some way towards explaining why he is always such a fun guy to have around the place while another boasted of ready access to the horse tranquilliser ketamine from the veterinary medicine cabinet. It is rumoured that the individual in question was in charge of supplying the pre-match breakfast cereal to the players prior to the match against Leeds and misunderstood the requests for plenty of Special K.

With Dallas on the pitch last Saturday fans must have been wishing that they could wake up and find that the season so far has all been a dream, at least one poster doubtless hoping to see a smiling Nigel Clough emerging from the shower and reassuring us that everything would go back to how it was. If only football was like television, or even the cinema, where a couple of hours might have been more fruitfully spent last Saturday afternoon. Had the 30,000 been to watch Pixar's wonderful "Inside Out" they might have mused on how best to cope with the loss of Joy from their lives, the healing properties of Sadness and the dangers of letting Fear, Disgust and Anger seize control of the emotional control panel. Happily Derby fans possess a far greater degree of maturity than the average 11-year old girl and approach adversity in a more measured and controlled manner. Calm evaluation was as ever the order of the day in the post-defeat aftermath. The Wise conferred, while the remainder waited and watched, and it was eventually agreed that Something Must Be Done. Happily Something subsequently WAS done, surely providing proof to any remaining doubters of the wisdom of The Wise, not that any proof of this was necessary to The Wise themselves who, being so very wise, knew this already.

Whether a mere two more midfielders will be enough to compensate for the weekly cull is debatable and some also questioned the prices paid for the players. Certainly 6 million pounds for a BJ from Delia Smith seems steep when a couple of glasses of wine is generally sufficient to loosen that fine lady's tonsils, while with pleasing symmetry a JB also arrived, this time from Huddersfield amidst murmurs of "tapping up" and other nefarious tactics. Similar rumours abounded when Tom Ince was transferred in the close season, together with mutterings about the involvement of his father in the move. Leeds fans were quick to voice their own concerns that there might be something slightly fishy about the pair of them, allegations that are surely just a little below the belt.

With supporters questioning the motivation of modern superstars the most impressive unveiling of a player this week was surely the statue of Dave Mackay at the players' entrance to the Ipro, a man who was generally too busy using the likes of Billy Bremner as a handkerchief to wonder whether he was in quite the right frame of mind to play. Our current heroes, when they can remember exactly who it is that they are playing for this week, must now suffer Dave's watchful gaze each time they enter the ground, and as when he was playing few will be allowed to pass who are not made of the right stuff. Dave certainly was: the statue had to be cast in black granite when nothing could be found that was as hard as the original.