How to get football back to normal

Having honed the concept sparked by my Eureka moment to iron out any and all potential issues, and opened channels of communication with the relevant footballing authorities, I am now able to share with you my small but ingenious tweak to the game which will allow play to resume even under the current social distancing restrictions.

First, I wanted to ensure that any change I introduced wouldn’t heavily impact the ebb and flow of the beautiful game. Players must still be free to move around the pitch.

Second, any change must ensure the safety of the players and officials, who must, of course, maintain a minimum distance of 2m from each other.

Third, the new rules must deliver a level playing field and promote the game’s core ideals of sportsmanship.

Here is a prototype I have built of a cheap and easy to manufacture device that will change the course of football history:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b6/60/96/b66096dd2a04160a2792f95959391b42.jpg

Each player and official will have one of these conical, floor length wrought iron frames attached to their necks. The cones at the base have a 1m radius, meaning that they will naturally enforce social distancing, whilst allowing the ball to pass freely in and out to and from the feet of the players.

As such, the game will be able to flow more-or-less as usual whilst maintaining the safety of all those on the pitch. Not only this, but the cages will deliver several other tangential benefits to the game.

Firstly, it will improve both competitiveness and safety:

- The effects of the performance enhancing drugs employed by Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool will be completely nullified. I’d like to see Mo Salah clock 50mph with one of those dangling from his Adam’s apple.

- Players will also be protected from the dangerous, ankle-busting challenges of Jurgen Klopp’s Andrew Robertson and flying kicks of Jurgen Klopp’s Sadio Mane.

- I am also proposing the introduction of spit guards to further protect the players from COVID-19-infected airborne spittle. These will be fitted to the mouths of all of Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool’s players given their recent form as demonstrated by Jamie Carragher, El Hadji Diouf, and Stephlegm Gerrard.

Secondly, it will improve sportsmanship and help uphold the reputation of the game.

- Diving will simply not be possible. There will be no more flopping about on the turf by Jurgen Klopp’s Sadio Mane or Jurgen Klopp’s Mo Salah subsequent to a mild gust of wind passing Anfield.

- Liverpool players will no longer be able to crowd and harass referees following controversial decisions (defined as decisions made against Jurgen Klopp’s Liverpool).

I don’t see why we can’t be back up and running by the weekend.

You’re welcome.