Jokes

comment by tcruel87 (U11882)
posted 11 hours, 9 minutes ago
There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor p 0rn (which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor p 0rn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wife's death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
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Beautiful

As I was walking down the street I saw a guy stealing people's garden gates . I didnt confront or report him because he might take a fence

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

Scouser is having a quiet pint and chatting to the bar man. A gay fella walks in and whispers in the scouser's ear 'Do you fancy a bl*w job?'

Scouser turns around and knocks the bloke out. The bar man asks why did you do that?

Scouser replies 'he said something about a job'

Ordered a Chinese last night.
The Delivery driver came to the door so I went out to meet him.
As I opened the door he started shouting
“ISOLATE ISOLATE”
I told him nah mate, you’re not that late, I only ordered 20 minutes ago! 😂

My wife didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

How do you get 300 of Putins soldiers in a phone box ?
Tell them.its not theirs

Benny was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Benny, how about Lionel Messi?" "No dramas boss, La Pulga and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Benny and his boss fly out to Paris and knock on Messi’s door, and Messi shouts, "Benny! Que pasa? Great to see you! Come on in for a cerveza!" Although impressed, Benny's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Messi’s house, he tells Benny that he thinks him knowing Messi was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Benny says. "President Biden," his boss quickly replies. "Yup," Benny says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Benny on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Benny, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Benny, who again tells the boss to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Benny. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Benny and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Benny says, "This will never work, Francis will never see me among all these people. Tell you what says Benny, I know all the Vatican guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." The boss looks bewildered as Benny disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Benny comes out on the balcony together with the Pope. Benny stands alongside the Pope during the mass and then goes back to find his boss. By the time Benny returns, he finds his boss lying on a stretcher, surrounded by paramedics, reviving the boss from a heart attack. Making his way to his boss' side, Benny asks him, "What happened, boss?!" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me asked me: 'Who the feck is that dude on the balcony standing next to Benny?!'

Finally stumbled on this gem:

Teacher : do you know the capital of France?

student: no, why?

Teacher : You need to spend more time on your general knowledge.

Student: Do you know the cleaner Lisa?

Teacher: no, why?

Student: you need to spend more time with your husband!

A man is leaving Church one evening and walking towards his car.

The devil, who is hiding behind a tree, jumps out and yells "Boohooooo!".

The man simply continues walking, and this pisses off the devil who shouts: "how come I didn't care you?"

The man slowly turns around and says: "Because I've been married to your sister for 40 years!".