Stress and Pie...

FOREST FALL AT FIRST HURDLE

-We were bloody awful, conclude fans
-Thousands emigrate to Derby
-Cooper appeals for calm as Shearer orgazms on television
- "Worst Team in History" title beckons
-Jonathan Woodgate "weirdest bloke ever seen"
-Twitter falls through earth's crust into fiery hell
- "Only 37 more defeats to go" concludes idiot

Seriously though, I don't like it, Pie.

What's that then, Stress?

This Premiership stuff, Pie. I don't like it at all.

Premier League. The Premiership is a special kind of football without crowds. But I agree, the Premier League is certainly a shock to the system, Stress.

Bring back the good old days, that's what I say. Like last year, for example. Ah, the Championship. Remember the Championship, Pie? You knew where you were with the Championship. Full of teams you could beat, it was. And teams that made you chuckle, like Derby. Whatever happened to Derby, Pie?

You know very well what happened. After a prolonged near death experience, they fetched up in League One.

Ah, League One. Remember League One, Pie? One and three quarter miles to Burslem. The Leyton Ornaments. Those were the days, Pie. Happy days. You knew where you were with League One. Full of teams you could beat, it was. Now what do we have?

The Premier League, of course.

Exactly, Pie. The Premier League, like a great glittering pond of poisoned water.

That's a bit harsh, Stress.

You may be fooled by its promises of fame and glory, but I see it for what it is - a great bloated obscenity choking on its own money, surrounded by crabs and stranded jellyfish.

Really, Stress?

Yes. Crabs and jellyfish and bug infested seaweed. I mean to say, Pie, how much money have Forest spent since we won the playoffs?

I'm not altogether sure. Sixty million?

Sixty billion pounds to produce a side that travels to the Land of the Living Dead and can't manage one shot on goal. Not one.

I suspect that this first defeat has interfered with your brain chemistry once again, Stress. Forest were always going to have a serious rebuilding job once all the loanees left. This game was the first of thirty eight, away to a wealthy, settled and rapidly improving Premier League side. Forest on the other hand were a hastily assembled group whose foreshortened pre season meant they never had a proper chance to develop as a coherent unit.

Blah blah blah. Good grief, Pie, you sound like an insurance salesman. I prefer to say what I saw. A team which defended stubbornly but couldn't pass water. To be honest, this lot would struggle in the Championship.

So you've relegated us after one game, eh Stress? So you'll be throwing yourself under a bridge, will you? Or is it time for the buckets of concrete?

You may mock, Pie, but I've been proved righter than left over these many years. I suppose your version of events is that Cooper plans to lose the first seven like we did in the good old Championship before storming miraculously into Europe. Or perhaps if we spend another sixty billion we might just escape the drop.

God you're a miserable begger, Stress.

Ah Miserablebugger. Those were the days, Pie. Miserablebugger and Blackbum and Preston Nob End (misprint). We miss you.

Don't worry, Stress, we'll be back there next season. That's what you want, isn't it?

If you say so, Pie. If you say so.