As I wandered the lonely supernets highway, trying to find how many victories actually constitute a ‘Cup run’, I was staggered to find we Rams are involved in a fourth round FA Cup tie this very weekend.. I didn’t even know there WAS a fourth round, but dug further and found we are due to play someone called ‘Stoke City’.
Never having heard of this minnow, I have trawled tinterwebs to establish what I could of this unfashionable non-entity, the fruits of my labours I share below such that you may amaze your friends down the pub with your knowledge.
Here we are then:
“Stoke City FC" were formed somewhat prematurely in 1863, 21 years before the birth of football, which makes them the oldest club in the Premier League and the second-oldest professional football club in the whole wide world. They were founder members of the Football League in 1888, alongside some famous clubs.
Despite being around so much longer than practically everyone else, Stoke City’s “Honours" are managing to win the League Cup once, in 1972, when we were busy winning THE LEAGUE.
Stoke’s manager is Tony Pulis. Much like Mourinho and Arsene, Pulis had no career to speak of as a player however, unlike those two, Pulis has no idea how the game should be played, his tactics resembling WWE more than they do football. Pulis began managing Stoke in 2002, threw a hissy fit in May ’05 and eventually put his toys back in the Stoke pram in 2006, remaining there til now.
The club nickname is “The Potters" because the region is famous historically for producing vases, plates and pots. Not cups though; they are useless at cups. In three previous FA Cup encounters, Derby have won two and hold an aggregate score of 7-3
Often known as “a poor man’s Pride Park", Stoke’s Britannia Stadium is a scaled down, incomplete homage to the Home Of Football as found 35 miles due East. The stadium doesn’t have enough corners, instead citing “Rory Delap’s throw-ins work just as well".
Stoke City’s one and only contribution to football, Sir Stanley Matthews, is a Port Vale fan. Matthews was the inaugural (that means ‘first’, Stokies) Ballon d’Or winner, in 1956. Unfortunately, he was playing for Blackpool at the time, thereby meaning Blackpool, Man U and Liverpool are the only British clubs to have ever had that honour bestowed on a player. Not Stoke.
Stoke’s fascination with useless managers did not begin with Pulis; in 2002, they employed Steve Cotterill, only for him to leave after 13 matches. Despite only being there for such a short period, Cotterill has successfully transplanted the Stoke ethos of non-football wherever he has since gone, and is currently busy fashioning last season’s Play Off contenders Forest into a relegation cert.
Another great Stoke managerial appointment was from Jan ’98 to April ’98, the bizarrely-moustachioed Chris Kamara. Unbelievable, Jeff.
Famous fans of the Potters include the TV unfunnyman Nick Hancock, mincing nancy Julian Clary and disgraced former Breakfast telly presenter Frank Bough, the lingerie-wearing drug-taker sacked by Auntie Beeb.
In addition to Rams Legend Rory Delap, Stoke are also the present employers of serial quitter Danny Higginbotham. Danny handed in a transfer request when we were relegated in 2003, and signed for Saints. When they were relegated, he refused a new contract and was signed for Stoke in 2006, although he handed in yet another transfer request when Stoke failed to win promotion. After one season at Sunderland, he re-signed for Stoke and has managed to curb his wanderlust since then. He’s the sickening embodiment of all that is wrong with the modern game.
Stoke love their footballing mercenaries, having the striking striker Kenwyne Jones on their books in addition to violent racist Jonathan Woodgate. Inexplicably, the oft-injured, lank-haired thug has been signed for a combined £35m since leaving Dirty Leeds in 2003, which averages at £236,500 per appearance.
Stoke’s violent fans were notorious ‘back in the day’ but are now instead roundly condemned for persistently singing Tom Jones’ classic “Delilah", thought to be because Stoke is the European Capital for wife-beating.
Given that I’m very busy at work and have no more time to waste on this nonsense, that’s all the information that I can unearth on this weekend’s victims of the Mighty Rams’ Footballing Superstars 2012.. Please share your own tidbits below such that we may all become educated about this little-known disgraceful blight on the game.
Handy Guide To: Stoke City
posted on 25/1/12
Judging by your other posts this is a period when the Potters are above Derby, we can look down on you in every sense of the word. Stoke are a bit more able to play than you think. They are also able to compete physically and play to their strengths.
You would love to be where we are and if you give Nigel Clough enough time he will achieve that in the same way as Tony Pulis has done. It takes time and patience not a quick fix.
It will be tight Satdee cos its the cup and a local derby where both sets of supporters hate each other,there will be a good atmosphere and of course the Shaeps------- have a chance but i fancy the Potters will be too strong. Enjoy the game whatever the result.
posted on 25/1/12
I don't hate Stoke - I even drink my coffee out of something made there.
Mind you, I have been known to poo in something originating in the same place, so you can't read anything into that.
Also, a long time in the past, my cousin was knocking off a Stoke player, so we can't read anything into that either.
Except that my cousin is male.
posted on 25/1/12
you on dodgy ground there with Matt Oakley and Gary Charles, stick to sheep and ewe turns !
posted on 25/1/12
Satdee.?
What on earth does that mean.?
posted on 25/1/12
Pronunciation yoth, Saturday, its dialect ! You know thats when people speak in their local accent !
posted on 25/1/12
Strange man.
posted on 25/1/12
you are indeed !
posted on 25/1/12
Congrats to 666/OOE for at last stimulating some debate, banter and humour, the Stoke pages have been far too quiet since the demise of the original 606.
Any Stoke fans who have not yet read the other 'Handy Guides' are encouraged to do so - certainly an excellent way of killing time at work and funny to boot!
posted on 25/1/12
Nice one 666 and tearrace man for joining in shame a few more Stokies haven't joined in the good natured slanging match. Are Derby, Florist and Leeds the only one's who post on this site??
posted on 25/1/12
This was hilarious.