Handy Guide To: Millwall FC

Poring over dcfc.co.uk to establish the last time The Mighty Rams had enjoyed such a prolific spell in the league, I was stunned to find that we are scheduled to play some club called “Millwall FC" in an uncompetitive nPower Championship fixture on Saturday... despite being a connoisseur of domestic football, I’d never heard of this footballing minnow and so, as usual, have scoured tinterweb to gather facts for a handy “Print Out And Keep" guide so that you may amaze your friends down the pub with your in-depth knowledge of our opponents.

Here we are then:

Millwall Rovers FC were formed in 1885 due to the interest generated by the emergence of footballing excellence, perfected the year before. Unsatisfied with their attempt at replicating the total football being played in Derby, the club was re-branded Millwall Athletic in 1890 and again to the present ‘Millwall FC’ in 1910. ‘Millwall County’ was discussed at this time but it was deemed too ambitious.

The nickname of the club is The Lions, thought to be so-called because of the likelihood of their fans to kill and maim anyone who wanders into their territory.

Millwall don’t actually play in Millwall, they play in Bermondsey. They used to play in Millwall but moved in 1910, electing to keep the Millwall name. “Using obscure facts from the distant past which have no relevance today is perfectly acceptable in football" said a spokesman from Double-European Champions Nottingham Forest.

In what has been widely accepted by football pundits, commentators and spectators alike as a “very bad time for professional football" in 2010, both Millwall and Leeds United were promoted to The Championship.

Steve Claridge managed The Lions in 2005. For 36 days. Even Millwall fans recognise his complete lack of knowledge, but the BBC…

Millwall’s ground ‘The Den’ has been closed under FA Sanction five times for issues with hooliganism. The much-loved gentleman of the game Sir Bobby Robson suggested, after his Ipswich side were often interrupted by crowd troubles as they demolished Millwall 6-1 in 1978, that the police “should have turned the flame-throwers on" the home fans.

The fans’ mentality has often rubbed off on the players. Everton’s Tim Cahill still celebrates in Millwall fashion by punching things, and Neil Ruddock famously and unsportingly contrived to get Patrick Viera sent off by deliberately getting in the way of the Frenchman’s innocent spit. Other pleasant ex-Millwall players are Sam Allardyce, Dennis Wise and Lucas O’Neill.

Famous fans of the club include over-rated method actor Daniel Day Lewis, the former WBA Heavyweight Champion of the World David “I’ve got a poorly on my toe" Haye and most of the cast and crew of The Football Factory.

Theo Robinson, prolific hitman and footballing enigma, once played for Millwall. Having been on loan to them prior to his move, after signing he decided he didn’t like it there and joined us “on loan with a view to a permanent." Despite being able to trap a ball further than most people can kick one, Theo continues to have a happy knack of being in the right place at the right time albeit he’s carrying a knock at the moment and may not make this fixture.

Not famed for their ability to ‘read between the lines’ in 1994 Millwall fans responded to then-manager Mick McCarthy’s call for them to create “a hostile environment" for the second leg of the Play Off Semi-Final by invading the pitch to beat up our players. http://www.bbc.co.uk/derby/rams/derby_county_audio_02.shtml

Millwall fans have shamelessly stolen the famous “We are Derby, Super Derby" chant and adjusted it to “We are Millwall, No-One Likes Us, We Don’t Care". Psychologists suggest this is because, deep down inside, Millwall fans DO care and all wish they were, in fact, Derby fans.

Star of TV’s “Dragons Den" Theo Paphitis was once Chairman of the club and was praised for his attempts to quell the hooliganism at The Den. In 2006, he sold his stake in Millwall and in the lingerie firm “La Senza" as he’d obviously decided to stop being involved with covering up for ar5eholes.

Present manager Kenny Jackett is one of a select band of players who spent their entire career at a single professional team, Watford FC. Alan Dunne has (so far) also spent his entire career at Millwall and is now in his testimonial season. “One club men" are a rare breed, especially in Millwall where it’s generally advisable to carry two along with a flick knife and knuckledusters.

This is all the information tinternet has on Saturday’s opponents.. there’s not much I admit, but the worldwideweb doesn’t get into Bermondsey much and never alone, after dark.