Handy Guide To: Southampton FC

Scouring tinterwebs to try to find a less attacking team than us in the history of the beautiful game, I was staggered to find we are due to defend for 90+ minutes this weekend against some team called “Southampton FC" in an uncompetitive nPower Championship fixture.

Intrigued by this apparent anomaly of having us, the sleeping giant, match up against an unknown minnow, I have researched them such that you may appear informed when discussing the fixture with your mates down the pub.

Here we are then:

“St Marys Church of England Young Mens Association FC" were formed in 1885 to cash in on the sport perfected the year before. Not lending itself to much rhyming or easy chanting, the name became ‘St Marys FC’ in 1887, ‘Southampton St Marys FC’ in 1894 and finally to ‘Southampton FC’ in 1897.

Also known as “The Saints" they now play their football at St Marys Stadium, built in 2001 to replace The Dell. Their home support is poor, with 215 fans less per match than at Pride Park: The Home of Football.

Much like the Spurs fans, followers of Southampton often copy the DCFC anthem “When The Rams Go Marching In" except substituting ‘Saints’ for ‘Rams’.

Chairman of the club: Nicola Cortese.
Head of Football Development: Les Reed.
Former Player: Marion Pahars.
They love their men to be called womens’ names down there.
Hello sailor

Southampton have an uncanny knack of nurturing talent to sell, making West Ham’s claim to be “The Academy" look a bit stupid. Graduates from Saints include monkey-faced winger Gareth Bale, pacey but useless Theo Walcott, Play-Off Bottler Leon Best, smug BBC pundit Alan Shearer and JT’s favourite pimp, Wayne Bridge. They manage their youngsters effectively, including weeding out the failures, like Dexter Blackstock.

One player they did manage to keep hold of was Matt Le Tissier. Often criticised for his languid style which hampered his International career, Le Tiss was Cantona without the big club. Proper ugly and a bit of a porker, he was nonetheless a fan’s favourite with 162 goals in 443 appearances and the scorer of a fairytale final goal at The Dell, a stunning winner in a 3-2 defeat of Arsenal.

Southampton are something of a feeder club for us, and a rest home for our discarded players. We spotted the potential in Mark Wright and honed him into the finished article after signing him for a measly £760k in 1987, selling him on to Liverpool in 91 for £2.5m. We also rescued Peter Shilton from the wastelands of the south coast in 87, where his slump in form had just seen him outjumped by a 4’11" Argentinian the previous summer. Rejuvenated by being at a proper club, Shilts went on to further his England career and set the world record for International caps.

Talk about your rollercoasters in football; in the past decade, Saints have had 13 managers, been relegated twice, were runners-up on the FA Cup, won promotion once, won the JPT at Wembley and nearly went out of existence. In essence then, they’re a poor man’s Portsmouth.

Rams legends Gregors Raziak and Inigo Idiakez ensured their places in Rams folklore by sabotaging George Burley’s attempts to get Saints promoted via the Play Offs in 2007. Biblical rain, the likes of which has not been seen since the animals went in two-by-two, fell as Ini drove his penalty high into the unconsolable Saints poor away contingent in the South Stand.

Drunken WAG-toucher Burley is not Saints’ most controversial managerial appointment, however. In 2000, God-botherer and invalid-hater Glenn Hoddle replaced Dave Jones in the Dell hotseat. Hoddle’s use of faith healer Eileen Drewery’s “laying on of hands" technique was evidently preferred to Dave Jones’, who was accused of something similar at the time, although later cleared of it in court.

Another roaring success at the club was ‘Arry Redknapp, who left better club Portsmouth in 2004 because his dog, Rosie, was not being paid enough. After ensuring Southampton’s 27 year stint in the top flight was over, ‘Arry returned to Portsmouth in 2005 where he continued to pay all monies to HMRC when due despite being unable to read or write.

Famous fans of the club include Lucy Pinder Sir David Frost, David Gower and the incredibly irritating Craig David, who has ruined more summers than I care to remember with his ridiculous garbage “music" like ‘Re-rewind’ ‘Seven Days’ and so on, which just added to the misery of summer 2000 after the debacle of losing in the group stages of the Euro Championships, overseen by yet another Saints hero, Kevin Keegan.

That’s all the information tintersuperhighways has on Saturday’s oppo; I’m sure you’ll agree, there’s plenty of reasons there to dislike them. It even makes me want to send Pompey some money.