Live @ https://www.ja606.co.uk/articles/viewLiveArticle/420137
One match ban enabled
I googled the top ten best jokes ever. I hope that they make you laugh or at least smile.
Snail with an attitude A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the heckl was that all about?’
A genie and an idiot Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
Newborn baby is abandoned in a church nativity scene
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have nooky, lots of nooky. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more nooky, take a nap. Huge dinner. More nooky. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
The Devil’s in the details A guy dies and is sent to the underworld. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
A guy meets a street crawler in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.
3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
4. A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag: "I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
7. Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please... and one for the road."
11. I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-inlaw fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
15. Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them as a husband". 18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
19. I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The operator said: "Not you again."
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Bolton's social media team have been putting up old clips of goals and the club's done another one of their pod casts with Gareth Farrelly this time - there's another one with Keith Branagan knocking about as well.
Wouldn't mind if on saturday they streamed as live a classic match or even did a minute by minute commentary or something.
I'm also certain there's half a season of one of the Dave Higson era videos on Youtube about as well.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alien
Alien who?
Just how many aliens do you know?
If I had to recall the very best day that I ever spent at work, there is a definite winner. The company held an open golf day for our customers and my job was to look after two guests who were going to present the prizes at the end of the day. Those two guests were none other than Les Dawson and Mick Miller.
My wife was with me and we were to entertain our guests and make sure that they had enough to drink and eat. (mainly drink). We made sure that they had enough to eat and drink but we certainly didn't entertain them. Obviously, they entertained us. Needless to say, we had never laughed so much in our lives and have never equaled that day since.
I have copied a link to one of Les's Youtube compilation of sketches. I haven't watched it all but I'm sure that you will enjoy it if you take to time to watch it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz6VQeqbO3Y
I was going tell a time-travelling joke, but you guys didn’t like it
THE Football Association has confirmed that ALL football in England will be postponed until April 30
I think they are determined to see out the season if it's only to see us relegated.
If the season isn't completed, I don't see how they can relegate us without a legal challenge.
The season will be finished. When who knows. Hopefully June July, 6 week break restart mid September. Scrap the efl cup and trophy for 1 season, fa cup no replays, scrap play offs for 1 season just use league position. Get back on track for the euros. Transfer window keep open longer to the end of October.
Best be prepared we'll be lucky to start the next season never mind finish this one.
Time for a new Covid-19 play list
I'll start you off your mission is to keep adding to it feel free to interrupt it with important football news jokes and other waffle to pass the time.
Splendid Isolation - Warren Zevon
All Stood Still - Ultravox
Don't Stand So Close To Me - Police
comment by Ye Olde Pasty (U2191)
posted 5 hours, 42 minutes ago
Best be prepared we'll be lucky to start the next season never mind finish this one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You may be right. Covid 19 isn't going anywhere soon. Some are speculating that it could be over a year before we are free of the virus.
Let's hope they are wrong.
Covideo killed the radio star
Anything by Lou Rawls (come on, that's good!)
A couple of interesting videos from an old friend https://youtu.be/_zODRo8y1tk
https://youtu.be/jkQHxuoR1TI
Achoo - Sparks
Stand Alone Rhythm - Bob Marley & the Wailers
Here's one for our friend in Lanzarote
No Way Out - Jefferson Starship
Bands to add to the playlist
- China Crisis
- The Cure
Bolton's youtube channel will be streaming THE Forest game on Sunday at 12:30 with future ones to come.
BBC and BT will be putting on classic matches today until then.
Here's one for today the semi final between Bolton and Swindon. Full match with commentary by the one and only Dave Higson https://youtu.be/sH1nUhN0oX8
Four Portsmouth players tested positive
I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself – Dusty Springfield
Went for a walk yesterday. Ended up 7/8 miles. Had a walk round Bolton town centre. Looked sad all the pubs, cafes,betting shops closed. Shops, barbers, takeaways, carrs pasties, greggs open. Quiet but people about walking sombrely. The weekly shop has turned into get what you need when you can. Asda were out of bread and eggs yesterday but my corner shop seems to have everything. Can't get ibuprofen for love nor money. Need that for when my shoulder pain flares up. Not many left.
Went to Asda earlier and I saw a fella whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, loo rolls everything that people need!
I called him a selfish type person, gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself!
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer
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One flu over the keepers net
Page 1 of 15
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posted on 17/3/20
Live @ https://www.ja606.co.uk/articles/viewLiveArticle/420137
One match ban enabled
posted on 17/3/20
M-m-m-my Corona
posted on 17/3/20
I googled the top ten best jokes ever. I hope that they make you laugh or at least smile.
Snail with an attitude A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the heckl was that all about?’
A genie and an idiot Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
Newborn baby is abandoned in a church nativity scene
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have nooky, lots of nooky. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more nooky, take a nap. Huge dinner. More nooky. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
The Devil’s in the details A guy dies and is sent to the underworld. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
A guy meets a street crawler in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only a dog in it - it was a shihtzu.
3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
4. A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag: "I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
7. Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please... and one for the road."
11. I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-inlaw fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
15. Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them as a husband". 18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
19. I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." The operator said: "Not you again."
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
posted on 17/3/20
Bolton's social media team have been putting up old clips of goals and the club's done another one of their pod casts with Gareth Farrelly this time - there's another one with Keith Branagan knocking about as well.
Wouldn't mind if on saturday they streamed as live a classic match or even did a minute by minute commentary or something.
I'm also certain there's half a season of one of the Dave Higson era videos on Youtube about as well.
posted on 18/3/20
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
posted on 18/3/20
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alien
Alien who?
Just how many aliens do you know?
posted on 18/3/20
If I had to recall the very best day that I ever spent at work, there is a definite winner. The company held an open golf day for our customers and my job was to look after two guests who were going to present the prizes at the end of the day. Those two guests were none other than Les Dawson and Mick Miller.
My wife was with me and we were to entertain our guests and make sure that they had enough to drink and eat. (mainly drink). We made sure that they had enough to eat and drink but we certainly didn't entertain them. Obviously, they entertained us. Needless to say, we had never laughed so much in our lives and have never equaled that day since.
I have copied a link to one of Les's Youtube compilation of sketches. I haven't watched it all but I'm sure that you will enjoy it if you take to time to watch it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jz6VQeqbO3Y
posted on 19/3/20
I was going tell a time-travelling joke, but you guys didn’t like it
posted on 19/3/20
THE Football Association has confirmed that ALL football in England will be postponed until April 30
posted on 19/3/20
I think they are determined to see out the season if it's only to see us relegated.
If the season isn't completed, I don't see how they can relegate us without a legal challenge.
posted on 20/3/20
The season will be finished. When who knows. Hopefully June July, 6 week break restart mid September. Scrap the efl cup and trophy for 1 season, fa cup no replays, scrap play offs for 1 season just use league position. Get back on track for the euros. Transfer window keep open longer to the end of October.
posted on 20/3/20
Best be prepared we'll be lucky to start the next season never mind finish this one.
posted on 20/3/20
Time for a new Covid-19 play list
I'll start you off your mission is to keep adding to it feel free to interrupt it with important football news jokes and other waffle to pass the time.
Splendid Isolation - Warren Zevon
All Stood Still - Ultravox
Don't Stand So Close To Me - Police
posted on 20/3/20
comment by Ye Olde Pasty (U2191)
posted 5 hours, 42 minutes ago
Best be prepared we'll be lucky to start the next season never mind finish this one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
You may be right. Covid 19 isn't going anywhere soon. Some are speculating that it could be over a year before we are free of the virus.
Let's hope they are wrong.
posted on 20/3/20
Covideo killed the radio star
Anything by Lou Rawls (come on, that's good!)
posted on 20/3/20
A couple of interesting videos from an old friend https://youtu.be/_zODRo8y1tk
https://youtu.be/jkQHxuoR1TI
posted on 21/3/20
Achoo - Sparks
Stand Alone Rhythm - Bob Marley & the Wailers
Here's one for our friend in Lanzarote
No Way Out - Jefferson Starship
posted on 21/3/20
Bands to add to the playlist
- China Crisis
- The Cure
posted on 21/3/20
Bolton's youtube channel will be streaming THE Forest game on Sunday at 12:30 with future ones to come.
BBC and BT will be putting on classic matches today until then.
posted on 21/3/20
Here's one for today the semi final between Bolton and Swindon. Full match with commentary by the one and only Dave Higson https://youtu.be/sH1nUhN0oX8
posted on 21/3/20
Four Portsmouth players tested positive
posted on 22/3/20
I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself – Dusty Springfield
posted on 22/3/20
Went for a walk yesterday. Ended up 7/8 miles. Had a walk round Bolton town centre. Looked sad all the pubs, cafes,betting shops closed. Shops, barbers, takeaways, carrs pasties, greggs open. Quiet but people about walking sombrely. The weekly shop has turned into get what you need when you can. Asda were out of bread and eggs yesterday but my corner shop seems to have everything. Can't get ibuprofen for love nor money. Need that for when my shoulder pain flares up. Not many left.
posted on 22/3/20
Went to Asda earlier and I saw a fella whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, loo rolls everything that people need!
I called him a selfish type person, gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself!
He said: “that’s all good and well mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
posted on 22/3/20
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer
Page 1 of 15
6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10