Brilliant!!

Isn't it ironic that Emile Heskey's daughter is known as Miss Heskey?

Isn't it ironic that Emile Heskey's daughter is known as Miss Heskey?
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So is there any truth in the rumour that Fernando Torres has father over 100 daughters

fathered

"So is there any truth in the rumour that Fernando Torres has father over 100 daughters"

Not on his 'scoring' record over the past couple of years!

I heard Carroll is calling his daughter Chris.

She'll be known every December as Chris Miss Carroll

My girlfriend said "I bet you can't go a whole day without telling a period joke." I said "You're on."

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My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face.

"Cheer up," I said.

"Oh I'm OK," she sighed, "just a bit sad."

"You're fab," I said.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're mine," I said.

"I know silly!" she chuckled.

"I love you," I said.

"Aww!" she gushed, "that's so lovely!"

"Marry me," I said.

She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: "Yes!" she bellowed. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said, "Yes what?"

"Yes, I will marry you!" she beamed.

"Floock off!" I said. "Here, have a Love Heart."

The wife just said, "All men are (b)ankers." I said, "Edward Scissor hands wasn't."

King Luis Suarez

I'm here all week!

'get out, we don't serve time travellers in here'

a time traveller walks into a bar

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a doctor walks into a bank to sign a cheque

he gets to the tiller and pulls a rectal thermometer out of his jacket pocket. Realising his error, he sighs heavily.

'What's the matter?' the tiller asks

'Some <rsehole's got my pen' he replies

Got jumped by four big burley blokes the other night but before I past out, I managed to knock one out. Weird time for a vvank I know, but I thought it was gonna be my last!

Stolen from the Spurs board but pisswettingly funny

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said "she's lying on her side with a g@5h the size of a tennis court" now I just happened to glance at the wife and it's all kicked off here!!!!!

I put a load in the dishwasher. She swallowed.

Paddy and Murphy are on the deck of the stricken liner. 'Where is everybody?' enquires Paddy. 'Dey are probably watchin da band' says Murphy. 'What band?' asks Paddy. 'I don't know' says Murphy, 'but a whoile back I heard someone shout a band on ship'

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two scousers still in the bar! They've told the divers to fluck off ass there all inclusive!!!

I just rang gamblers anonymous to ask what time they wanted me there, they said "ten to one"