Football jokes

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Dundee fan gets low and tries to hang himself in his full Dundee kit. The police arrive and quickly remove the Dundee kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused, asks why.

The policeman simply replies, ‘It’s to avoid embarrassing your family.’

How can you tell when a Dundee fan has been using your laptop?

There's Tippex on the screen

David de Gea was so upset after his performance against City that he threw himself in front of a bus. It went under his body.
The old jokes are the worst ones.

The police stop a man dressed in a United shirt and with a United scarf trying to break into the Etihad. The police ask him what he is doing and he says that he is going to hang himself from the Colin Bell stand roof. The policeman says that is terrible but surely you should be at Old Trafford, to which the United fan says " F*** off, have you seen the queue there?".

Sorry Reds, I'll get my coat.

I may be less than a month from being a "Meldrew" but my perception is as keen as a perceptive owl with night-vision binoculars. I sense an air of discrimination against Dundee here, or am I mistaken because of my advanced years? No owls were harmed in the posting of this comment.

As Dundee's struggles continued, a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

Barry is getting his cake and not being able to eat it.

Pun you is bad bro 😎

Bad To The Bone

Supporter parks his car at a car park near Anfield.

Kid pops out and says, “hey mister, I’ll watch your car for £20”

“No you won’t, and I’ve got a fcking Rottweiler in the back there”


“Can put fires out can it?”