Handy Guide to: Birmingham City FC

Scouring tinterwebs to find the record for toothless capitulation in professional football, I was staggered to find that we are due to bend over for some club called “Birmingham City FC" next Saturday in an uncompetitive nPower Championship fixture, live on your Sky tellybox.

As I’d never before heard of this second-city minnow, I have trawled the superhighnets to establish factual facts about this footballing enigma, which I share below such that you may impress your friends down the pub with ‘your’ indepth knowledge.

Here we are then:

Formed in 1875, Birmingham City FC (as they were finally named in 1943) have still not won anything despite having almost a decade’s start over proper football clubs.

As ‘Small Heath Alliance’ Birmingham were founders members of the football league’s second division. Doesn’t really have the same ring to it as ‘founders members of the football league’ does it, like us and Villa can boast..?

The club’s current acting chairman is Peter Pannu, a former Hong Kong policeman who’s now retrained as a lawyer. Given the paucity of titles at St Andrews, it’s little wonder he was drawn to this West Midlands ‘Neverland’.

Birmingham, or “Blues" to their fan, play at St Andrews in front of empty seats installed to comply with the Taylor Report. With an estimated capacity of 30,000 the ground is way too big for them, with an average attendance this season of 16, 400.. It’s horrible to get to, to stand in and was rightly bombed by the Luftwaffe during the war.

The club is currently subject to an attempted takeover fronted by Gianni Paladini; without looking to wake adjacent to equestrian bodyparts any time soon, the proposals certainly conjure up images of frying pans and fires.

The present manager is Lee Clark, inexplicably sacked by Huddersfield Town despite leading them to a record-breaking undefeated league record. Not the brightest knife in the drawer, Clark was a Sunderland player when he decided to pitch up at the 99 FA Cup final as a Newcastle fan, wearing a tee-shirt slating Sunderland fans.. he never played for them again. His assistant manager is Scouse stereotype Terry McDermott.

Blues’ last outing was a resounding thrashing at the hands of Hull City in front of a raucous 3,479 fans at a packed St Andrews. The return of former hero Steve Bruce was reportedly the reason for the massive crowd surge.

Birmingham’s record victory was against Forest, a 12-0 spanking in 1899. This was four years after their heaviest defeat, and 8-0 drubbing by The Mighty Rams. Hurrah.

Marlon King, toucher and beater of women, plays striker for the club when not enjoying Her Majesty’s custody. Worshipped by Bluenoses who have scant regard for decent society, King has scored six goals in his last six matches and managed to not spit at, punch or verbally abuse any women in most of his celebrations.

Massively over-hyped Birmingham goalie Jack Butland has inexplicably already won an International cap for England despite having conceded 26 times in 17 league matches this season, proving once again that England players are selected by journalists rather than on ability. He’s like the Michael Ricketts of keepers, or something.

“Famous" fans of the club include left-wing unfunnyman Jasper Carrott, ELO’s Jeff Lynne and the bankrupt members of UB40.

Auditors looking into the accounts of Birmingham’s parent company have recently resigned due to not being able to get “consistent, reliable and complete" information. A spokesman for BDO said they were “sceptical they had received all relevant information" and, besides which, they had important darts events to organise.

The BBC 2012 report on the price of football quotes St Andrews being the most expensive cup of tea in the Championship at a staggering £2.20 so it is unsurprising that both of their fans take a flask in.

Reassuringly, Birmingham’s ‘away’ form is horrific, with only 9 points garnered from a possible 24 and a -2 goal difference.. still better than ours though, with 8 from 27 and -8 GD, but we’re at home for this so should be alright. Hopefully.

That’s all the information available on Saturday’s oppo. Yam aw’rite..? Bostin.