Stress and Pie...

UDDERSFEEL 3 - 0 FOREST

As we've said before, we don't do ratings, but if we did, they would go something like this:

Darlo: Our Karl didn't look entirely secure, but that wasn't surprising considering the defence in front of him spent much of the game crapping chickens. There wasn't much he could do about the goals, so he escapes the Finger of Wrath.

Lichaj: Our Eric had what might be called a middling game, but that wasn't surprising considering (a) he is growing increasingly bow-legged and (b) he got no assistance from anyone, including Burke who should have been on from the start, but for some reason wasn't.

Lascelles: Our Jamal spent much of the game trying to work out where he was in relation to everybody else. He can be forgiven for his geographical uncertainty as (a) he didn't appear to have been given any instructions before the game and (b) he didn't appear to have been given any instructions during it.

Mancienne: Our Michael had a similarly wayward game, probably due to the captaincy, which sits on his shoulders like a bag of wet dogs. A pressurised defence need a towering presence to lead by example and provide authority, but as the goals went in the only thing exuded by our Michael was a kind of bemused despondency. He should not be captain - it does nobody any favours.

Fox: Our Danny is really starting to get on our nerves, because (a) we couldn't see why he was playing in the first place, (b) he tries to give the impression of being better than he ever was or will ever be, and (c) he reminds us more and more of that teacher in Bad Education.

The defence: In summary, the defence was less than the sum of its parts, and the parts didn't play very well to start with. Uddersfeel must have thought it was Christmas.

Tesche: Our Robert wasn't very good, in the sense that he had little to do and didn't make a very good job of doing it. He had little to do because everything he had to do was done by Vaughan, who rendered our Robert rather pointless. Stress kept asking why they were both on the pitch together, a question to which there was no reasonable answer.

Lansbury: Our Henri is fast becoming a fan's favourite, hence the cries of "Give it to Lansbury" as the second half wore on, an ironic reference to the dreadful set-pieces and misplaced passes he was responsible for throughout. He gave the alarming impression of playing badly on purpose, but that was as a result of his trying harder and harder, and getting worse and worse. It happens.

Vaughan: Our David was magnificent, the best player on the pitch by miles. He made heroic efforts to get Forest moving, and provided a secure link between defence and midfield. We don't know why he was taken off. If it was a tactical decision, it was a crap one.

Antonio: Our Mikhail had a reasonably disastrous first half in which nothing looked like coming off for him, except perhaps his legs. He improved in the second half and caused the Udders defence problems. Credit him for working his way through a bad patch. We like our Mikhail, and he definitely escapes the Finger of Wrath...

Assombalonga: ...as does our Britt. He did the best he could with severely limited opportunities. Sooner or later it's going to dawn on our management team that Britt needs a partner, somebody cool and intelligent like, say, Fryatt.

Mince: Our Tom showed bags of quality, and will improve the team going forward. He was underused in the first half, but there came a time towards the end of the match where he seemed to say "Sod this, let's do some damage," got himself on the ball, and started to look seriously dangerous.

Burke: Our Chris should have been on from the start. He provided an enormous gust of energy and threat, and unleashed a shot of such ferocity it almost snapped the crossbar. Had he been on from the start, he would have contributed authority, experience, security for Lichaj, and the kind of attacking energy which Forest lacked. Shame on those who agreed with our manager, that including Mince meant dropping Burke. It was a terrible mistake.

Hunt and Osborn: Not much to say. They did okay.

Cont...