Handy Guide to: Losing.

After trawling tinterwebway, for any anecdotes of good sporting behaviour, I was amazed to discover that, other than singing and chanting support for your own team when they lose; there are unconventional ways to behave.

As something of an authority on behaviour and etiquette, I was somewhat taken aback to find the fans of recent and frequent losers of the ‘East Midlands Derby’, Derby County FC, ran amok after failing, yet again, to beat the older, more successful team from Nottingham. So, for the benefit of Derby fans, and indeed anyone else that has absolutely no idea how to behave; I have compiled a concise list which you can take with you to football matches.

Here we go then…

Losing is part and parcel of football; some teams are more adept at it than others. Some clubs indeed, are synonymous with losing. A cursory look through the record books will show Sunderland were the worst team in History. If you have a more up to date version of the record book, you’ll see that was magnificently smashed by another team. The requirement for further updates has since been made redundant.

Goggle-eyed, Picasso-faced defender Richard Keogh, not only being content with an assist in the playoff final, effortlessly sets up goals and effectively obstructs his keeper from doing his job. Having him in your team increases your chances of losing enormously.

Crying, in any context is not the correct way to express sorrow in defeat. Especially in front of a watching, international TV audience.

If you are unfortunate to witness your team lose, then don’t run onto the field of play and try to smack a player from the opposition’s team. If you must do this, don’t pick on the hardest looking bloke, then fall over like a vegetarian in front of a watching, international TV audience

When leaving the ground after the ignominy of having your collective pants pulled down at the hands of your footballing big brother; Just go home, go to the pub or wherever you habitually go and discuss in a civil manner how, one third of your trophy room has just been thrown away. Vandalising a magnanimous, shy and philanthropic man’s wheels would just be pitiable.

This being a concise list, it can be kept as a manual for training purposes. Please feel free to suggest additions for future publications.