A & E Crisis Worsens

Figures revealing record numbers of patients waiting more than eight hours for A&E treatment show that the NHS is “cracking under extreme pressure" and people are suffering, the leader of Britain’s doctors has said.

Dr Long-Ball Sartre, chair of council at the British Medical Association, also said growing numbers of whiplash victims were facing “unacceptable delays".

Sartre was responding to a set of grim A&E performance statistics issued after Manchester United’s game with West Ham United last weekend, when over 25,000 people reported whiplash injuries caused by following the flight of the ball, and East London’s A&E departments simply could not cope.

While the NHS has usually faced a spike in demand after West Ham’s games, “this year it’s experienced a crisis after Manchester United games as well, and when they play each other, the burden becomes intolerable."

Jeremy Rhyming-Slang, the health secretary, hopes an extra £700m will help the NHS to hire more staff and increase its stock of beds to avoid coming under unsustainable pressure before the end of the season.
But Sartre said there had been “a total failure by government to come up with a meaningful plan to deal with this".

Andy Bumfluff, the shadow health secretary, said: “Last week was the worst week on record for fans of attractive football, but the government is acting as if it’s not happening. There is no sign of Louis Lang Baal being sacked so long as he stays in the top 4, and Ministers can’t carry burying their heads in the sand, while fans are having to bury their heads in the stand."

A & E Departments in Manchester have been put on full alert for tonight’s fixture with Burnley, and will automatically be paged if Fellaini appears on the team-sheet before the game.

Louis Lang Baal was unavailable for comment, as he’s waiting in A & E to be treated for an attack of Cerebral Meltdown.