Stress & Pie

GAME 7 - SEPTEMBER 14 2016

ROTHERINGHAM 2 FOREST 2

I love this kind of football, not only because it's entertaining, but also because it makes conventional match reporting almost impossible. In order to fully understand this match, and indeed what is going on at Forest, you would need to consult a reputable psycho-analyst rather than the bland mutterings of mainstream media.

I think the club has gone mental, in a nice way. We already know that some of the players are a bit unbalanced, but this is only one issue in a catalogue of oddnesses that keeps cropping up on matchday.

The Plan, for example. The Plan seems to comprise the following:

1. Because of either injury or an apparently unhinged desire to rotate everything under the sun, the defensive personnel change match by match and even within the match itself. This leads to an exciting brand of chaos. At key moments players forget not only their own responsibilities but also those of their team mates. Sometimes they seem to forget who or where they are. Rotheringham's first goal came from some of our defenders, including the defensive midfield players we don't have, being sucked upfield, leaving some Rotheringham bloke to run at our backtracking defence. The bloke who ran wide and scored went unnoticed until it was too late. Rotheringham's second goal admittedly was a bit lucky as the ball was won by a foul, but watching the Forest defenders skittering around like bluebottles was painful. You can't coach that kind of mental breakdown. It stems from an inability to sense danger early enough. It can be cured, but only by installing a proper defensive midfielder, delivering a defensive arse-kicking, or subjecting the defensive players to a course of severe mental readjustment.

2. Because of either injury or an apparently unhinged desire to rotate everything under the sun, the midfield personnel change match by match and even within the match itself. This leads to an exciting brand of chaos. As well as leading to defensive problems when the midfield wanders off for a f@g, it generates an unpredictability which is scary for the opposition, and a pace and fluency which can be spectacular. Of course it doesn't always link up properly, but that's because relationships haven't yet formed between whoever is playing at the time, but the promise is there in bucketloads.

3. Because of either injury or an apparently unhinged desire to play Vellios up front on his own, the Greek bloke has started scoring some of the most breathtaking goals you will ever see. Last night's goal was a feat of world class athleticism. This seems to be a core part of The Plan - don't give Vellios the ball much so that he gets cheesed off enough to try something remarkable.

4. "Getting cheesed off" is also part of The Plan. When Forest are up against it, they seem to react with adrenalin-fuelled anger. The latter stages of last night's match were frenetic, driven by a team spirit so intense it bordered on the insane. Watching Forest in such a mood is a bit frightening to be honest, especially to ageing supporters whose knees aren't what they were.

5. Forget the previous four points. There is, of course, no Plan. Or at least, The Plan is so long term its fulfilment is miles away. It probably has something to do with fluid selection, positioning and responsibilities, a total footballing ethos which is wonderful when it works but at the moment, here on the battlefields of the Championship, seems alien and a bit crazy. What we're left with is a variably functional group of talented players who alternately take the breath away and shred your sphincters, but who, and this is most important, have formed an emotional bond with their fans which hasn't been there for years. We appear, probably by Alchemy, to have become the most exciting and entertaining team in the league.