This is 3R's fault...

(apologies to Monty Python)

On the matchday thread 3R asked what was wrong with Chris Martin's head. God forgive me I started thinking about it... before I could stop myself this happened...
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A fan enters a stadium.
FAN: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
FAN: 'Ello, Miss?
OWNER: What do you mean "miss"?
FAN: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
OWNER: We're closin' for lunch.
FAN: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this striker what we brought back from Fulham not three games ago.
OWNER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Beccles Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
FAN: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
OWNER: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
FAN: Look, matey, I know a dead striker when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
OWNER: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable striker, the Beccles Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful hairstyle!
FAN: The hairstyle don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
OWNER: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
FAN: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the pitch)
'Ello, Mister Coldplay! I've got a lovely through-ball for you if you show...(opposition defender makes slightest contact)
OWNER: There, he moved!
FAN: No, he didn't, the defender touched him an’ he fell over!
OWNER: He never touched him!!
FAN: No free-kick, so that’s what the ref thought too!
FAN: (yelling and repeatedly shaking his fist at the pitch) 'ELLO COLDPLAY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your three o'clock alarm call!
(A high pass is lofted up the pitch. The striker mistimes the header and plummet to the floor.)
FAN: Now that's what I call a dead striker.
OWNER: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
FAN: STUNNED?!?
OWNER: Yeah! the ball stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Beccles Blues stun easily, major.
FAN: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That striker is definitely deceased, and when we purchased it, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired out following a season long loan.
OWNER: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the MacClaren.
FAN: PININ' for the MacCLAREN!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment he got on t’pitch?
OWNER: The Beccles Blue prefers attackin’ on it's back! Remarkable striker, id'nit, squire? Lovely hairstyle!
FAN: Look, I took the liberty of examining that striker durin the warm-up, and I discovered the only reason that it had been on the pitch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
OWNER: Well, o'course he was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that striker down, it would have been running the channels , muscling defenders aside and shooting VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
FAN: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this striker wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
OWNER: No no! 'E's pining!
FAN: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This striker is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to the punditry studio in the sky
'E's a stiff! Bereft of movement, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the pitch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the ball, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the touchline and joined the bleedin' subs-bench invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-STRIKER!!
(pause)
OWNER: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
OWNER: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of strikers.
FAN: I see. I see, I get the picture.
OWNER: I got a centre-back.
(pause)
FAN: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it score?
OWNER: Nnnnot really.
FAN: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
OWNER: Look, if you go to my brother's stadium in Bolton, he'll replace the striker for you.
FAN: Bolton, eh? Very well.