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Pre-match entertainment

Everybody here? Excellent. Right, so, I've called this meeting today so that we can present our finalised plans to you all. And I think it's fair to say, we are pretty darned chuffed about this, pardon my French.

So, as you all know, we have the big screens now and we just needed to decide exactly what we wanted to do with them. We've decided that we want to start off with loud music and a montage of Leicester City players with what we're calling "excited faces". Seriously, when you get the chance, check out Jonny Evans. He looks really excited. We feel the strength of this is twofold, first to show the genuine, human side of the first team, quite aside from the automata we see on the pitch. Second, to remind the fans what Matty James looks like. One for the ladies, I'm sure you all agree.

Next, we come to "Fan Cam". Now Brad, you've been to our three-hour presentation on this, and just to reiterate the conclusion we came to, we're going to single out young boys in the crowd on the big screens and your job is to pressure them into flossing. Our research suggests that what football match attendees across the country want to see pre-match is people flossing.

Flossing, Birch.

No, it's a dance. Nothing to do with teeth.

Look, moving on, we felt we needed to address a concern that people feel unenthused if the opposition perform poorly, or "don't turn up" as is the phrase on the streets. It can be considered an anticlimax if the team win too easily. This in the forefront of our minds, so each match we are preparing a highlights reel of matches where we've beaten our opponents, especially for the opposition players to watch. The plan is that this will rile them and make them play better, making a more entertaining spectacle all around.

Brad, in-between this we will introduce the day's mascots on the big screens, where you will read out their names, inform the public of their score predictions and favourite players and give them the chance to show off their best pre-recorded flossing.

Oh, and one of the favourite players' names will inevitably be wrong, but you can work with that.

So, once all of the players have finished warming up, then it's your turn Birch. Now I know this is like teaching one's grandmother to suck eggs, but we want to hear the passion from you. Really whip up the crowd. Get those clappers sounding. Don't worry about coherence, just go for it. They love that sort of thing in B block.

Finally, we turn to you, Paul, so you can play the post-horn gallop. We did have one question from a visitor the other year about why we are called the foxes yet play a ditty pre-match that glorifies fox hunting, but frankly we believe that to be a niche opinion.

I should add as a final thought that we've been playing terrible music through the tannoy throughout. This is so people appreciate when it stops.

So, any final questions?

Look, Birch, I've already answered this. If you want to know about flossing, you'll just have to Google it.

It's a search engine, Birch.

On the internet.

Birch... Birch, I'm just going to leave in the hands of our technology consultant, Andrew Neville. I'm sure he'll get you sorted out.

posted on 20/5/19

Nice one Dunge. It’s difficult to know what to do to really get things going. What happens at other grounds? I don’t go to away games. I don’t want to lose the fox at the ground which is my personal favourlte & music lifts the mood but I do find it hard shouting at my deaf neighbour trying to make some sort of conversation. Do we need ‘ a people’s vote’ on the posthorn gallop - probably out dated but a tradition. Can’t lose the Birch obviously but on another tack where is the half time entertainment. Haven’t seen a cross bar challenge for ages. After a rather traumatic year maybe we need a rethink to make the whole experience more entertaining. More Tom Meighan & Kasabian I say!

posted on 20/5/19

Dung an excellent piece of work as ever producing a chuckle here in the sandpit,conjuring up a confused Birch holding his phone to his glassing frying to goggle the tank commander.
One point of order which could save our blushes the post horn gallop is just that, its about the stagecoaches delivering the mail at speed not fox hunting. Now if he start playing "do you ken John Peel" no Birch not the DJ,well you get where Nev's going with this.
love you work

posted on 20/5/19

it’s not really crude or surreal enough for me Dunge I’m afraid but it did make me chuckle. Your fairytale of New York version a few years back was excellent though

posted on 20/5/19

Very good Dunge.

Personally I love the montage of the various league cup wins, promotions and of course the Big One ending dramatically with the fox. Would love to download it if i could find it on line.

Also like the heartbeat montage just before KO with the payers pictures flashing up.

posted on 20/5/19

Love the Fox, find it very moving.Should have Vardys Liverpool goal in though.
Not bothered about fan cam though.
just wish all fans would get there in time to see pre match build up.

posted on 20/5/19

Very good Dunge, although I do wonder when we see a lengthy piece such as this if you have too much time on your hands occasionally!

The volume was definitely cranked up, presumably to try and drown out the racket caused by the Geordies, Mancs et al. Maybe someone's been put in charge who thinks he's still in a 70s disco?

Always thought it strange about the association with foxes, bit illogical it seems. The association being with the birthplace of foxhunting in Leicestershire, but we've actually taken the position of the hunted ones?

Is being irritated by having the Maddison goal (good as it was) out of sequence before the Premier League championship trophy is raised aloft another niche view?

In regard to the title win, when does it become embarrassing for us to make so much of this, we surely don't want to get into the position of our noisy neighbours harking back to days of their glory which only those approaching retirement have a faint memory of having experienced?

posted on 20/5/19

Top work Dunge. This board needed a trip in to the Dungeon of your mind to wake us up.

Have you seen what other teams do to whip up the atmosphere pre game? At night games Wolves literally deafen the surrounding 10 mile radius of the ground, do some whacky disco thing with the lights and spend £1m on fireworks, all set to some mad operatic remix!! They’ve really gone to town on it.

I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this. Personally I like the montages and they get me tingling (not like that) before the game.

I don’t like anything remotely American and crass. So fan cams and nonsense like that can do one.

As for the post horn gallop. Oh my I cannot believe anyone would ever want to lose this. This is a unique and traditional part of our club. It’s always been played the whole time I’ve supported us (remember the jazzy version when we moved to the King Power, then Walkers) which was terrible.

But now we have something right in my view. In a modern game, you have to move with the times, but some things are timeless. The gallop should remain for all time. Who cares if it doesn’t make sense. Neither did the team of misfits coming together to win the league.

posted on 20/5/19

the post horn gallop is in our blood i remember when they stopped playing it before the game and the rubbish version at half time.

posted on 20/5/19

You could always suggest bringing back the Salvation Army band for the half time entertainment! They weren't that bad, actually.

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