Stress' review...

Forest 1-1 Man$ity

Chris Wood scores late leveller as Guardiola displays inability to communicate coherently

Nottingham Forest substitute Chris Wood scored a dramatic late equaliser against Man$ity, causing $ity manager Pep Guardiola to insist: "Shwadeesnaperfgemm ... naperfgemm ... ashfutboh ... pfft" as his side lost ground to Arsenal in what is proving to be a thrilling title race. Of course, the title race is only background news, but most football journalists feel it is important to elevate whatever concerns Man$ity to a level of prominence which overshadows the performance, or indeed the existence, of their opponents.

So, Man$ity lost ground on fellow Premier League title challengers Arsenal after being held to a 1-1 draw at somewhere or other as somebody's late leveller cancelled out Bernardo Silva's sublime opener. Earlier in the day, Arsenal were forced to come from behind twice (giggle) to beat Villa, usurping $ity in the race for the title, and the Gunners now hold a two-point advantage at the top with a game in hand, thus reinforcing the fact that the word "usurping" is rarely used outside football journalism these days, except as a mistaken reference to drinking soup.

Anyway, $ity had countless efforts on goal, and had it not been for Rodri's inability to head straight, de Bruyne firing down wides like a knackered old pace bowler, and Haaland flailing around like a huge drunken horse, they might have added to Silva's goal. $ity boss Guardiola was disappointed with his forward players' wastefulness, insisting that "Shwadeesnaperfgemm ... naperfgemm ... ashfutboh ... pfft" and other barely intelligible nonsense.

There are questions here. The first one is this: Why do sides which visit the City Ground miss so many chances? This happens too often to be considered simple luck. We asked football psycho-boffin Henry Longfellow for his views on this matter.

"The City Ground is a very special place," he said. "Its atmosphere is quite different to any other ground. The depth of history here has created layers of psycho-kinetic energy so powerful it can, if manipulated by the right manager and the right crowd, distort the physical environment. You could see the Man$ity players being buffeted by this energy at critical moments. Also, the way Forest play, the resilience of their defence, creates increasing pressure on their opposition, so that their decisions become desperate and their efforts snatched. Hence the number of missed chances. It also explains why visiting managers tend to have nervous breakdowns."

Another question is: Why do people pretend to understand what Guardiola says? Most of his responses sound like somebody shovelling ash, but nobody ever says, "Excuse me, Pep, but your words mean nothing to me." Perhaps people are afraid of him, or find his incoherent peevishness embarrassing. Or perhaps nobody likes him and his team enough to care any more. They're all getting a bit boring, after all.

A final question: Why was Forest's goal so satisfying? There are many reasons for this. First, it was a real smack in the face for a club which feels itself entitled to dive, intimidate refs, and cheat its way through whole seasons in the search for glory. Secondly, it was a reminder of the murderously beautiful football Forest are capable of, and produced regularly in the Championship. The combination of Johnson and MGW down the right, the delivery to the far post, was precise and breathtakingly quick. And thirdly, there was Wood to stab it in - Wood, the immobile lump who couldn't blow froth off a coffee, scoring his first Forest goal and looking more surprised than his critics. It was nice to see his team mates applaud him off.

stressandpie.co.uk