Handy Guide To: Watford FC

Scouring tinterwebs for news of other clubs with no strikers at all, I was stunned to find Pride Park play host to some club called “Watford FC" in a midtable also-ran six pointer nPower Championship fixture on Saturday... despite being a connoisseur of domestic football, I’d never heard of this footballing minnow and so, as usual, have scoured tinterweb to gather facts for a handy “Print Out And Keep" guide so that you may amaze your friends down the pub with your in-depth knowledge of our opponents.

Here we are then:

Watford FC were formed in 1898 to cash in on the phenomenon created in Derby some 14 years previously. To take on the might of the Midlands’ No 1 club, Watford FC was an amalgamation of the two sides “West Hertfordshire FC" and “Watford St Marys"

Since 1922, Watford have played their football at Vicarage Road. The ground is aptly named for the notorious quietness of their fans and also because often parents unwittingly sent their young sons along, thinking they’d be safe.

Their nickname is “The Hornets" because they are very annoying and, much like the recent film “Green Hornet" by Seth Rogen, very disappointing.

Sir Elton John is Watford’s most famous fan and honorary Life President, and often uses the club as inspiration for his songs, including:

“Don’t Go Breaking My Heart" a homage to the annual Watford failure story
“Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting" but only with Luton fans
“Just Like Belgium" who have never won anything either
“Hard Luck Story" also-known-as a ‘post-match interview’
“Nobody Wins" except for their opponents
“Sad Songs" a collection of Vicarage Road chants
“Better Off Dead" than being a Watford fan
“I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues" after 1984’s FA Cup Final loss to Everton
“Sacrifice" because of all the money he’s wasted on the club
“I’m Still Standing" a protest song after the Taylor Report
“I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself"… self-explanatory.

Graham Taylor, another honorary Life President, is their most successful manager, having taken the club from Division Four to Division One in his first spell 1977-1987, and securing them promotion to the Premiership in 1999 in his second stint. Taylor ended up at Villa after both stints, with an ill-fated period as England manager in between. Did I not like that.

Watford’s most celebrated former player is Luther Blissett, with 186 goals in 503 appearances for the footballing minnows. Blissett was the first black player to score a hat-trick for England, this feat coming in his full international debut, although he never scored for us again in a further 13 appearances. LB was the Golden Boot of the 82/83 Division 1 season and was promptly sold to AC Milan for £1m.

Another England International who started his career at lowly Watford was David ‘Calamity’ James, who played 83 times for the Hornets. David James became the oldest World Cup debutant ever when he started against Algeria in South Africa at 39 years, 321 days old… he was sold to Liverpool in 1992 for £1.25m.

Whilst it may seem Watford are a selling club, in 2003 they released their highest earners to save the costs of their contracts in order to stave off administration, which worked out well for us as we picked up Tommy Smith for nowt a year later, via Sunderland. The Hornets subsequently bought Smudger back for £500k in 2006 when Janet Krankie decided he was surplus to requirements at The Home Of Football: Pride Park © ® ™

Marlon King, career criminal and woman-beater, once played for Watford. The spike in local thefts of BMWs, inappropriate touching and women being punched in the face dropped when King was sold to Wigan in 2008.

Over the close season, Derby County rejected the chance to sign John Useless from Watford, consigning him to extending his contract with Luton’s second club.

Watford’s danger-man is Marvin Sordell with ten goals, however he’s unlikely to add to this tally as they sold him to Bolton in February. Let’s hope any loose balls in our six yard box fall to prolific Scotsman Chris Iwelumo.

Watford is home to Camelot, operators of The National Lottery. So far, although “It Could Be You", it hasn’t been.

Rams legend Nigel “Cally" Callaghan was discovered by Arthur Cox in Watford. Cally was honed into a flying winger of no little skill and, despite often sporting a mullet, became a fans’ favourite with the BBG faithful.

This is all the information tinternet has on Saturday’s opponents.. there’s not much I admit, but the worldwideweb doesn’t get into Lutonshire much.