comment by The Hybrid Doos (U10416)
posted 3 minutes ago
comment by Moussaing you already sann, J. (U21968)
posted about 6 hours ago
it's dawned on me this morning that my dad actually assaulted a waitress with a sticky toffy pudding yesterday.
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I wanna know how this went down
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Not happy with you MATE

Went in to the opticians today to try to get a replacement frame for my sunglass lenses.

She's searching for the frame code on the computer and asks me how I broke them this time.

I can't remember, I say.

Then I say "Oh, I think I do. I think I had them clipped over my tshirt and the arm broke off"

she says,



"Oh. You do a lot of dancing though don't you Mr ********"

fackin stood there roaring with laughter for about 2 minutes

comment by The Hybrid Doos (U10416)
posted 1 hour, 2 minutes ago
comment by Moussaing you already sann, J. (U21968)
posted about 6 hours ago
it's dawned on me this morning that my dad actually assaulted a waitress with a sticky toffy pudding yesterday.
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I wanna know how this went down
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he's booked a table for the of us for sunday lunch.

place is heaving.

after a few minutes we get shown to our table.

i'm sitting down and he's stood up taking my mum's coat off.

a waitress tries to get past with a (presumably hot) plate full of sticky toffee pudding.

he clearly didn't think much of the waitress trying to squeeze past rather than waiting, so as he takes my mum's coat off, he pulls it in an exaggerated manner and elbows the waitress who drops the plate which smashes all over the floor, with sticky toffee pudding going all over half the dinners at the table it was intended for.

he's just been performing some Shakespeare.

my half brother's wife and their son have just come round to visit my mum.



the lad's given my mum a painting he did which he's titled "the tempest"

my dad walks in and's shown the painting

I start to say something, and the old man interrupts me turns to the boy and booms

"GET A NEW MASTER, GET A NEW MAN"

the lad looks at him like he's a complete weirdo.

I walk out and leave them to it.

me and my mum aren't sure what's put him into this waitress assaulting, Shakespearean sulk.

I think though that it's because my half sister's son (his other replacement son) came round before we went out yesterday with his girlfriend (whose support of the labour party has made my dad ban any complimentary comments about the conservative party in the house), and she laughed at a joke I told when my dad didn't realise it was a joke.

as we got to the restaurant I mentioned them and said that I couldn't remember the girl's name and I nearly called her Cassandra.

"it's a good job you didn't" he says, all serious.

"I just couldn't remember her name" I said light heartedly.

he says, "you want to watch it. he gets very angry if someone calls her the wrong name."

I say "whose called her the wrong name then ?"

he says, "I don't know. i'm just telling you to watch it because he'll get very angry if you don't call her by the right name"

I said, "well he needs to lighten up then"

I think that was the end of conversation until after he assaulted the waitress.

Comment deleted by Site Moderator

he says "it's her surname I struggle with"

wtf does he need to know his step grand son's girlfriend's surname for ffs ??

Comment deleted by Site Moderator

PS - can I put you in my will ?

Dear Olivia,

Thank you for coming to see us the other day.

It would be great if you came round more often, or if I could come round to yours ?

Thanks again for letting me put your coat on you.

I'm very proud to be your dad/grand-dad/friend/reserve boyfriend?, and I fully share your views on political issues. Please keep me up to date with any changes in your views.

Thank you for your interview style answers when we were shooting the breeze the other day. Did you like my sofa ?

I have given Henry probably about £2,000 over the last year or so, and I think I am his favourite relative after his mother (I'm her favourite relative after her children).

I really liked your dress, and love seeing my daughter/step grandson's girlfriend/girlfriend in waiting? dressed like that. Pretty.

I've got my questions ready for your next visit, so come by whenever you both feel like it. Or just you, I don't mind. You're welcome.

Grandpa.


PS - I can pronounce your surname.

Dear Olivia,

Sorry for writing again so soon.

I forgot to mention that when my wife's son told that joke, I knew it was a joke too. I know that you laughed when I said "really", but that we both knew that it was his idea of a joke, and that you were really laughing AT him, rather than with him.

GET A NEW MASTER, GET A NEW MAN.

Grandpa.

PS - say hi to my son / step grandson. hope the spanners are ok.

Dear Adam,

It was nice to see your wife and son today when they visited us.

You probably heard that I performed an extract from the Tempest, which little Tommy really enjoyed.

What I don't know is whether they told you which scene it was I did ? For avoidance of doubt, it was the bit where one of them says "GET A NEW MASTER, GET A NEW MAN".

Obviously this was very apt, I was quoting from the play of the same name as little Tommy's painting, and at the same time pointing out to him that him (and you*) are my replacement sons.

The guy who used to be my son was in the room at the time, and I actually interrupted him when I did the performance. Noone was listening to him anyway.

Olivia came round yesterday and let me put her coat on her shoulders.

Cheers,

DAD


* as well as Henry

ive not posted on here since the 6/9..... just saying

comment by Moussaing you already sann, J. (U21968)
posted 20 hours, 49 minutes ago
Dear Adam,

It was nice to see your wife and son today when they visited us.

You probably heard that I performed an extract from the Tempest, which little Tommy really enjoyed.

What I don't know is whether they told you which scene it was I did ? For avoidance of doubt, it was the bit where one of them says "GET A NEW MASTER, GET A NEW MAN".

Obviously this was very apt, I was quoting from the play of the same name as little Tommy's painting, and at the same time pointing out to him that him (and you*) are my replacement sons.

The guy who used to be my son was in the room at the time, and I actually interrupted him when I did the performance. Noone was listening to him anyway.

Olivia came round yesterday and let me put her coat on her shoulders.

Cheers,

DAD


* as well as Henry

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Right on cue :

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/47293013

Vaginal discharge

You there Dave?

Grow up.

speaking with a Japanese firm atm.

Have to call everyone "san"