Handy Guide to: Leicester City FC

As I perused the TV Guide looking for scheduled repeats of Rosie Webster’s “I’m A Celeb" appearances, I was staggered to discover that we’re due to play some club called “Leicester City FC" this coming Saturday evening, live on the tellybox.

Just like X Factor, the much-despised Foxes continue to get airtime on a Saturday evening despite offering nothing by way of entertainment and having a talentless Scouser as it's star (Nugent) so I’ve scoured tinterwebs to discover what more I could about this footballing minnow and have listed the facts below such that you may amaze your friends down the pub.

Here we are then:

Leicester City FC score goals for fun at home, with only two clubs managing more on home turf this season; Purple Patch Palace and The Mighty Rams. Leicester’s figures are distorted by the pitiful showing of Ipswich though, who were roundly thrashed 6-0 last time out.

Surprisingly, having Kasper Schmeichel as their present custodian, Leicester have a tradition of having fine keepers including Gordon Banks, Peter Shilton and Rams Legend Mark Wallington.

This week’s Leicester manager is Nigel Pearson, who’s only achievement in management was sending goalkeeper Jimmy Glass forward in the last game of the 98/99 season to score against Plymouth and preserve Carlisle’s league status. Ironic then, that Pearson should end up in charge of amateur footballers all these years later.

Leicester’s main threat is David Nugent, ‘scorer’ of the shortest International goal in history as he blasted home from ¼" against Andorra in his one and only appearance. He’s from Huyton, Liverpool, so has no qualms about stealing things that don’t belong to him, as Jermain Defoe will testify.

The highest fee ever commanded for a Leicester player, and therefore their best-ever player, was £11m from Liverpool for Emile Heskey. Yes, that Emile Heskey.. I know, I know.

Undoubtedly this season’s flukiest Championship goal has already been scored by Leicester’s Anthony Knockaert who, whilst attempting to shake off a bout of cramp, inadvertently backheeled home the second goal of a 2-0 victory against Huddersfield, having already bagged the first with a 35 yard misplaced pass.

Burton Albion, now under proper management, beat a full strength Leicester side 4-2 in the second round of this year’s League Cup. At home. Lol.

Despite never having won either the league, like we have, or the FA Cup, like we have, Leicester have won the Charity Shield, like we have.

Robbie Savage, professional ladyboy and exotic dancer, first discovered his complete lack of footballing talent whilst at Leicester. He went on to have a lengthy career disappointing fans of many clubs with his inability to pass, move or score.

Stanley Victor Collymore is another former Fox who is roundly despised by all who love the beautiful game, not only for his ridiculous accent but for his propensity to punch Ulrika Johnson. In April 2000 as we thrashed Leicester 3-0, he tripped over nothing at all at Pride Park and badly broke his leg. Good.

Home-grown player Andy King has again been trying to fool the general public into believing this match is some kind of 'local derby' despite most Rams having to consult a map to discover where Leicester is, such is their insignificance to us. Unfortunately, the answer to 'How do you get to Leicester?' is either "Down the M1" or "Up the table"

That’s all the information supernetshighway has on Saturday's opponents; please feel free to add any factual facts below such that we may all appear informed about this non-entity of a nothingness club.