Arsenal Training: Day One

It's a crisp and clear morning at London Colney as the Arsenal first team go through a fairly light training session after their victory against Stoke. Arsene Wenger gathers his troops together:

AW: Well, I believe that you showed supreme super quality and mental strength of the highest order yesterday against Stoke gentlemen and you should be very proud of that display.

RVP: Using all the clichés early doors are you boss?

AW: Not quite Robin.

(Young Theo speaks up, obviously bristling with excitement)

TW: Anyone watch the wresting the other night? The big guy picked up the other big guy and was about to smash him into the ground or something until the huuuuuge bloke descended down from the rafters and squashed them both with his butt cheeks.......I literally think they're dead or at the very least in a coma!

AW: I did not see it.

RVP: Touché.

AW: Well I'm off to to talk to an Evian spokesman about my deep seated hatred of water bottles now. Did you bring me my knuckle dusters and that shovel I asked you for Denilson?

OX: The name's Alex sir.

AW: Oh sorry about that......where's Denilson?

(Gibbs pushes Coquelin forward)

AW: There you are Denny! You've played very well this season my boy. You've been utterly invisible in every game and they say that if you don't notice a ref during the ninety minutes that means they're doing a spiffing job and that logic can be applied to players also. I foresee another pay rise for you.

FC: Erm......thanks.

AW: Right, you lot do some fancy flicks for a bit and then go home.

(Mertesacker speaks up)

PM: Should we practise set-pieces for a bit at all?

(the entire squad laughs)

AW: The new guys crack me up.

(Arsene waves at Koscielny)

AW: Bye Bendy, take care.

(Arsene skips away.......Yossi Benayoun is busy tweeting)

TV: Yossi, it's my birthday today.

YB: Happy Birthday.

JD: Me too!

YB: Happy Birthday.

WC: The sky is blue.

YB: Happy Birthday.

MA: I think he's some kinda Rain Man or something you know? I wouldn't be surprised if he has some kind of latent and incredible talent locked away in there somewhere.

RVP: Would that talent be teaching someone to hit the target at all?

(In the background Chamakh has hit a shot from the outside of the penalty area that trundles up to the penalty spot)

MC: Ha! I'm getting closer losers!

(Sebastien Squillaci has been watching and nods)

SS: That was great Marouane, watch this!

(Sebastien goes to clear the ball away but falls over and his face smacks into the ball......it slowly rotates over the byline.)

MC: Wow! What a clearance!

(both men high-five)

MC + SS: GO TEAM AWESOME!!!!

(Song and Van Persie have been watching the Wonder Twins train)

AS: You know you could walk into a world class team and get a gigantic pay rise to boot? You could train every day with footballing geniuses and not have to watch Pinky and the (No) Brain continually.

RVP: I know but I love those two numpties and I love this club. Can't leave mate.

(the two men hug.....a cracking noise is heard)

RVP: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MY SPINE!!!!!!

AS: Oh balls! I'm sorry man, I didn't.......

(the Wonder Twins rush over)

WT: What's going on?

(in their concern Chamakh has accidentally stamped on Van Persie's throat and Squillaci has mistakenly kicked Robin in the liver)

RVP: GAAARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

(Arsene is back and skips over intently, shovel in hand)

AW: What's going on here? I've finished burying.....I mean talking to the carcass from Evian......I mean spokesman.

TW: Robin's in a death coma Arsene!

(the Wonder Twins look at each other)

WT: We can fix him Arsene, we want to help! Give us your shovel.

AW: Here you go, nothing untoward can happen I'm sure.

WT: Wonder Twins powers activate! Form of.....a shovel!

(they start to crack Van Persie on the skull)

WT: WAKE UP ROBIN! WE LOVE YOU AND WE WANT YOU TO LIVE! STAY WITH US, HEAD INTO THE LIGHT!

(after seven minutes they stop and the training ground is silent)

AW: Erm, I was thinking of resting Robin for a few games anyway. Who wants nachos?

YB: Happy Birthday.

MC: Best birthday ever mate!

SS: Yay!